Category Archives: relationships

Relationships form the basic foundation of everything we do. Knowing how to communicate, show empathy and embrace others in a positive way is essential for getting through life.

Coping with Breakups or any other Emotional Stress

 

emotional stress

Coping with Breakups or any other Emotional Stress

Breakups and emotional stress can be very unsparing. You go crumple yourself up on the bed and cry all day wishing the feeling would end as soon as possible. You crave for a certain kind of security only a person closest to your heart could give and they end up not being on your side when you need them the most. That is the kind of emotion that breakups daunt on us. It marks us with painful experiences that shackle what is left in our system. After all, we have believed the promises and delights of a love shared with someone but ended up splitting with them from an array of reasons.

We crave food and other things under emotional stress. Perhaps we get pistachio ice cream and watch movies while crying but there is consolation in that. We walk our dogs on the park and have a breath of fresh air. A visit or a chat with spiritual advisors can be a good experience especially if we believe these things could help alleviate our current feelings. These are things that we could possibly do in order to cope with breakups and while we are not saying that these are not good or ineffective, these are short-term actions to help us be better individuals who have learned from our experiences on love and life. On the other hand, there are various reasons and actions to live by and help us to stay happy and stimulated with future endeavors and our experience of love in the long run.

Focus

Staying focused is one way of helping us reach our very best especially in times of great distress and heartbreaks. Think of the very things that make you happy, focus and be better on that. It can be your hobbies, talents and even your present careers in life. This is very helpful especially on people who are confused on the things that matter most and when they doubt on themselves and the things they can and cannot accomplish whilst under such experience of emotional ache and affliction. Stay grounded on the things that one needs to concentrate more in order to uplift one’s personal view of the life and every events ahead. Focus not on the mere things that lacks attention but also remind oneself to improve from other things you focused upon during the past.

Goals

Know your goals at present and the goals you need to pursue in the future. These are as important as your time and the actions you take in order to be the best version of yourself. Also, if you mind keeping a list then it’s not actually a painful work to do. Manage your time for the sake of goals to be done and always set the pace for works and actions to ensure vitality and energy in everything not only on your career but also on your family and relationships to other people. Admire every effort that other people input in your life in turn making your goals achievable in the most efficient process. Celebrate your achievements and never settle for your loss. You can always be better in every single day!

Growth

Always be reminded that heartbreaks does not mean measuring your tolerance for emotional pain. Be brave to accept your weakness and braver to overcome and champion these bad assets. Grow in harmony to your will and the life you want to live therefore do not ask for the presence of someone to validate your individuality. Choose your own happiness and grow from all of circumstances in life however bad or good they are. Never measure your growth on tangible things but develop on the things that could not be seen by the human eye especially traits, values, inner peace and the ability to conquer every obstacle that one faces. Also, think on growing and developing for yourself rather than for others because this can only be one of the greatest things that human lives could ever learn from love and life and everything in between.

growth and passion

Passion

Continue being passionate about everything you admire and do not underestimate your own self for your own survival from heartbreaks and other various emotional stress humankind is experiencing. Being passionate is understanding one’s capability to love despite of the many experiences and events that have happened in the past and is continuing to shape our present. Passion is everything you need to remember yourself when you feel like not wanting to fall in love with someone in the future. You can be passionate on keeping your various relationships with other people but do not seclude yourself from falling in love all over again. After all, what matters most is the passion to continue living without the thought of all the people that left and the circumstances that brought to heartbreaks and other stresses in life.

Hope

Hope is when you believe that there is still goodness in everything how much they have made you different from your past self. Change can only either be good or bad and always strive and hope for the former. Do not hope for the tragedy of others but hope on the better experiences of people surrounding your life. Cherish every moment with them and learn to respect and value their presence in the most challenging and saddening times. One cannot cope up fully from distress if he or she shall not learn the importance of hope besides we can only hope for the better future and the better individuals we could ever be!

These are not ultimatums or ultimate tips or the greatest breakup guides you could ever found but just simple things and reminders to believe that there is always a reason to survive breakups and other emotional stresses. There is always a reason to live life and be invigorated by its many bumps and dirty tracks but most importantly learn and know how to deal with these to know that you are on the right track on the way home to realizations.

Images by Victor Ilunga and Pixabay under Public Domains CC0

13 Danger signs in relationships

 

danger signs relationships

13 Danger signs in relationships

Separate bedrooms

If you are sleeping in separate bedrooms, make sure it is temporary. Long term this spells trouble for any relationship.

Lack of sex

If both partners are happy with a lack of sex, there isn’t a problem. If one partner feels frustrated about not getting enough, this will need to be addressed sooner or later. Don’t sweep it under the carpet and hope the issue goes away – talk about it!

Lack of communication

This is the number one reason for relationships breaking down. As soon as communication is sub par, resentment starts to build, assumptions are made and rot sets in. Make sure you put in the effort to talk to your partner as often as possible. Check in with them and make sure you clear the air regularly. Small issues become big issues if they are ignored.

Living separate lives

It’s healthy to have your own interests and makes the relationship more interesting when you can reunite and discuss your different experiences. The problems begin when you seem to be doing most things separately – seeing your own group of friends, doing your own thing and doing less and less together.

Functioning only a practical level – not connecting emotionally

I see this often in the couples who come to see me seeking help with their failing relationships. They work well together in terms of running the house, paying the bills, getting the kids to school etc but when it comes to their closeness and intimacy as a couple, it can be pretty non existent.

The fun has gone out of the relationship

Do you no longer have any fun together? Make sure you have fun some times otherwise the relationship will become associated with tension and stress and this will most likely lead to the demise of the relationship.

Constant bickering with no resolution

At times, couples get stuck in a rut and they keep repeating the same destructive patterns with each other. No resolution is achieved and communication lessens as both partners begin to feel they are not being heard. Make sure that you listen properly when your partner tries to tell you what is wrong. Do some problem solving around the problem and figure out ways to compromise and restore peace and contentment.

Resentment has built up

Resentment kills love over time. Never sit with resentment for too long. Find ways to talk to your partner and reduce the resentment.This is vital for a happy relationship going forward.

You rarely think of your partner when you aren’t together

Out of sight, out of mind? It may just be that you aren’t a very sentimental person but it could also mean that you no longer have any emotional attachment to your partner. This is a sad state of affairs and needs to be addresses if you want to have the best possible relationship. A good balanced relationship includes emotional, mental and physical intimacy.

You feel relief when your partner goes away

Worse than not missing your partner when they are not around is feeling relief when they are absent. This is a major warning that something is seriously wrong in your relationship. It might even be time for relationship counselling if you want to save your relationship. Don’t put your head in the sand. Deal with the problem – the sooner the better.

You feel alone in the relationship

This is another sign that something is seriously amiss in the relationship. Figure out what is missing and what your partner would need to do (and what you would need to do) to feel connected again.

You feel misunderstood in the relationship

This is easier to resolve than feeling alone in a relationship. It may just be that you are communicating at odds and need to find different ways to get your point across. Don’t give up – be resourceful and creative. Counselling can also help with this one.

Your emotional needs are not being met

When needs aren’t being met, resentment can set in and people will eventually find other ways to meet their needs. If your partner struggles to meet your emotional needs (some people really struggle as their emotional intelligence is low) you can find other ways to meet these needs. Find good friends you can talk to or a therapist. There are ways to work around this one if you love your partner and want to stay in the relationship irrespective of your poorly met emotional needs.

Relationships take work. Think of a relationship as a garden. If you don’t tend to it, weeds will grow. You get out what you put in.

Mandy X

 

 

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Coping after a breakup

thoughtful photo

 

Coping after a breakup

Surviving the heartache of a breakup is tough. It can be one the most gruelling emotional experiences you can go through. Coping after a breakup is possible though, here are small little things you can do to inch yourself towards happier days…

One important question to ask yourself

Coping after a breakup involves healing and time. You must also ask yourself this question,

“What needs of mine were not met?”. Looking back at the relationship, what needs of yours were not fulfilled? Once a relationship is over, focusing on what wasn’t good can help propel your forward.

Make a list

No one is perfect and there must have been things that your ex did that you didn’t like. Make a list of all their annoying habits and things you didn’t like about the relationship and read it when you start to reminisce about the relationship’s positive attributes.

Look forward and be philosophical

Believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a higher purpose for this breakup. If your partner split up with you, it is much better to be with someone who wants to be with you. They are out there. It may not seem like it at the moment when you feel so down in the dumps but there is someone out there who is better suited to you. If you initiated the break up, there must have been a valid reason – remind yourself of this.

It takes time to fully heal from a breakup. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself and don’t listen to the self critical thoughts (I am worthless, no one will ever love me) and the negative thinking. You will get to a better place. In the meantime, take it one day at a time and know that each day you will be closer to feeling back to your normal self again.

Mandy X

 

 

 

Soul destroying relationships

 

sad woman

Soul destroying relationships

Soul destroying relationships chip away at your confidence and leave a shell of your former self behind. I have been in relationships where I started out confident and by the end of it, I was full of self doubt. Every time I was in  a relationship like this, my inner wisdom or gut instinct, whichever you prefer to call it, would be sending me messages telling me something wasn’t right and I would ignore them. Looking back though, it is clear to me that a soul destroying relationship was to blame.

What you can do to maintain balance:

Instead of constantly trying to please the other person and gain their acceptance and approval. ask yourself whether your own needs are being met in the relationship. The more you value yourself, the less nonsense you will be willing to take from someone else. Does this person meet your needs too or are you so focused on getting them to love you that you don’t look at your own needs?

Long term, a relationship is less likely to last if one person isn’t getting their needs met. Soul destroying relationships don’t provide balance and that will lead to an unhappy ending. Balance is key where you both feel loved and needed and both get your needs met.

Mandy X

 

 

Do the opposite

 

opposite photo

Do the opposite

We’re creatures of habit so we rarely do the opposite. It’s human nature to repeat the same patterns often without even realising how often we act in a certain way. Think about it. Do you always go down the supermarket aisles in the same direction? Do you always put your underwear on before your socks? How do you make your tea and coffee? The same way each time I’ll bet. And when it comes to more important things like relationships, we tend to behave in similar ways too.

When we feel insecure, some of us become more needy, some of us pull away to protect ourselves. When it comes to friendships, some of us act aloof, some of us try too hard.

Whatever your patterns of behaviour are, I dare you try shake it up and do the opposite. I am trying this in my own life and it’s working! Of course, you need to find out what you do out of habit before you can do the opposite. Being self aware is part of the issue, as often we race through our lives like rats in a maze, hitting our heads against the same wall every time.

Think of each time you do the opposite as a ‘life experiment’. Try small things first like a new route to the grocery store or go up and down the aisles in the opposite direction and see if you notice any new things or products. If you find that you end up in similar situations with intimate relationships and/or friendships, see if you can identify things that you do in each relationship and try doing it differently next time. See what happens..take a chance.

Mandy X

How to overcome insecurity in relationships

 

insecurity

How to overcome insecurity in relationships

A lot of it is made up

Separate what is your imagination and what is reality. When you feel insecure, you will be on high-alert for any possible sign that your partner doesn’t love you. Be willing to detach slightly from this type of thinking as it can increase insecurity in relationships. More often than not, you will find that your fears don’t come true.

Accept uncertainty

You can never have 100% certainty in any relationship unfortunately, so get into the habit of accepting that there is some uncertainty that is just a part of life and a part of relationships. It isn’t something you can control so try to focus on something you have control over instead – like how you behave when you are with your partner. Work on being as confident as possible, even if you don’t feel it inside.

Flexible thinking

You may have a rigid idea of how someone should behave if they love you. When your partner doesn’t act this way, you automatically assume they don’t love you. Be careful as this thinking is terribly flawed. We all show our love in different ways. Learn to relax and accept that your partner may not necessarily show their love for you in the way that makes you feel loved. There are in fact, many ‘languages of love’, such as gifts, quality time, acts of service and so on. Be more flexible in your thinking to help you minimise your insecurity in relationships.

Stop Mind Reading

Be aware when you are making assumptions about what your partner is thinking. Mind reading is an unhelpful thinking style as it is not based on evidence. Make sure you see the difference between what is going on in your mind and the real facts of the situation. Perhaps your partner is thinking the complete opposite of what you are assuming.

Focus on your good points

Remind yourself of all your positive points. Often, insecurity comes from not having enough confidence and self acceptance. Regularly remind yourself of how lovely you are and why anyone would be lucky to be in your company. Really – it’s important to speak to yourself in this positive manner as often as possible.

We can all feel insecure at times. Try not to focus on those negative thoughts that leave you fearful and anxious. Instead focus on what is going well and on what you can control. Remind yourself that you will cope with whatever comes your way. We cannot control other people in our lives, all we can do is control how we think and react to others. Learn to let go and enjoy life more without trying to control everything around you. Go with the flow a little more. Be philosophical and learn to trust the process of life more – that things are unfolding as they are meant to.

Mandy X

 

Focus on yourself

self focus

Focus on yourself

It’s so easy to focus on the other person in a new relationship. Do they like me? Are they into me? It can become a draining and anxiety producing experience because we can’t control what another person feels or how they behave. This is why you must focus on yourself. All we have control and power over is how we wish to behave and react in a relationship. Focusing too much on the other person is a waste of time. I have been insecure in relationships in the past and it has turned a good relationship into one where I feel on edge. I am not the jealous type but I did tend to worry a lot when in a relationship and look for any sign that they were losing interest.

As you can imagine, this took all the fun out of the relationship. What I should have been doing was enjoying the relationship more and not overthinking and dissecting every small thing the other person did, driving myself crazy in the process.

Where to Put Your Focus

Putting your focus on getting your partner to like you, or constantly trying to figure out if they like you really doesn’t help you in a positive way at all. Instead, put your focus on yourself. Work at your own personal growth and self improvement. Have a lot going on in your life. The richer your own life is, the less bothered you will be if your partner is temporarily less attentive. If they are your whole focus, it will be a much bigger deal when they don’t text enough or show you enough attention. Work on really liking yourself and on finding fulfillment in your own life.  I know it’s much  easier said than done, but that’s what makes all the difference.

Be philosophical and trust the workings on the universe. Trust that things are unfolding as they are meant to. We don’t have much control over anything in this life. You can’t control how someone feels, or when, and if, certain things will happen to you and for you. All you can do is focus on yourself and find a way to be at peace, to accept yourself as you are, and to love who you are.

Mandy X

What makes relationships work

 

happy relationship photo

What makes relationships work

I have often wondered what it is that makes a relationship work. Believe me, I have tried many different strategies to see whether I could come up with a foolproof method in order to be successful in the dating game.

I tried being really nice and keen. I also tried acting disinterested. After a while of internet dating, I upgraded my car and wondered if a nicer, more expensive car might improve my chances. I also moved home during my dating phase into a larger more expensive home. I kept some men guessing and didn’t return their texts straight away. I tried many different scenarios. Unfortunately, each different strategy didn’t produce overwhelmingly positive results and each time I ended up back at the drawing board where I originally started.

All of this made me realise something. Mostly, it’s not about the car you drive or where you live and it’s not about being too nice or treating them mean to keep them keen. What makes relationships work is down to one fundamental thing – how much the other person likes you and wants to be in a relationship. It’s that simple!

If the other person likes you, they will make allowances for many things. If they like you – that is, how you look and they fancy you physically and like your personality, the rest is less important.

You can stand on your head and do cartwheels and give your best impression ever but if the other person isn’t into you, nothing you do will change their mind.

So, the lesson here is – just be yourself!!

Obviously, you may be on best behaviour initially but fundamentally you need to be true to yourself. No one can keep up a pretense forever and you will just make yourself anxious trying to be someone you aren’t. Be confident in yourself and like yourself and others will be inclined to do the same. If someone doesn’t love the true you then it is their loss and this leaves you free to find someone who loves and appreciates just as you are!

Here’s to ‘TRUE LOVE’ – being true to yourself in love xx

Mandy X