Category Archives: relationships

Relationships form the basic foundation of everything we do. Knowing how to communicate, show empathy and embrace others in a positive way is essential for getting through life.

Money on the side

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Money on the side

Having money on the side no matter what your circumstances, is vital for freedom and independence. Many clients come to me, unhappy in their relationships/marriages yet fear leaving due to lack of financial means to support themselves. I have come to realise that wherever possible, it is important to have a separate saving account with spare money in it. To some, this may seem cynical but I just see it as being practical. Savings never go to waste anyhow and I have seen how beneficial money on the side can be when someone has had enough of a miserable relationship.

The amount of people I know who are stuck in unhappy circumstances purely due to financial constraints is startling and worrying at the same time. Having money on the side allows you stay with someone because you want to be with them, not because you need to stay out of lack of other options. What a sad place to be!

Plan for the future, care about your freedom of choice and independence.You may never need to money but it is prudent to have spare savings just in case. It will give you a sense of choice and confidence. Start saving now.

Mandy X

If you want to know more about being financially astute, have a look at Tony Robbin’s products. I have recommended his advice to many clients and it has helped quite a few avert a crisis! I am also currently reading the book below and finding it very informative. X

Tony Robbins’ Unshakeable: Your Financial Freedom Playbook

unshakeable

 

Ultimate Relationships

happy couple photo

Ultimate Relationships

Ultimate relationships don’t just happen. They require effort and attention to bring out their best potential. If you would like extra help to take your relationship to the next level, keep on reading…

True fulfillment can only be found in one thing: the emotional power of our personal relationships.

Have you become complacent in your passion? Or, have you resigned to not pursuing romantic partnership at all? Rarely do you see a couple united in both love and attraction, able to sustain their power decade after decade. But, greater passion is possible!

In the Ultimate Relationship, Tony and Sage Robbins share the tools, insights and principles they have created and discovered through their journey, learning together as a couple, and working with people from every walk of life experiencing the same issues. They can help you to figure out where you really are in your relationships, where you want to be and what’s stopping you from having it all.

Just imagine what love coaching through the combined power of Tony and Sage Robbins can do for you — learn a results-oriented approach for attracting your ideal life partner, strengthening your relationship and reignite the passion you and your partner once shared.

Regardless of your past experience or current relationship, the potential for creating something deeper, richer and lasting is within your grasp.

Take action now and experience what’s possible when you transform your beliefs, eliminate your fears and master the fundamental skills necessary to create your ultimate relationship.

Mandy X

Tony’s newest program

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The one sure-fire way to meet dates, guaranteed

 

dating photo

The one sure-fire way to meet dates, guaranteed

Description: We detail the one tried-and-true method to guaranteed to land you a perfect date.

Meeting other singles and landing dates is less about finding the perfect place at the perfect time and more about the tried and true cliché: Put. Yourself. Out. There. And we mean that. Set an intention and practice, practice, practice. It will become easier with time, and if you want something, go and get it. In any way, shape or form, make yourself known. What, besides your pride, do you have to lose? Once it is out of the way, a new, confident and authentic you can emerge, and that you knows how to get yourself a date.

Don’t consider yourself to be a social creature? Strip off your fear and be bold.

Break that mold. Go somewhere that’s introvert-friendly, like a coffee shop, with a good book. Get hopped up on caffeine and sit in the cozy chair next to the cute girl reading on the couch. Ask her about the book she’s leafing through. Ask about her her views on the universe. Her favorite music. Be interesting and intelligent. Don’t worry if it doesn’t go anywhere. Consider it your homework. Consider it your networking: meeting people in order to meet other people, and in the process, meeting that lady of your dreams. Being friendly isn’t difficult once you get past that whole big fear of rejection thing.

Go to a bar. Get in enough coffee-shop practice under your belt, so you don’t have to get sloppy drunk before you strike up a conversation because believe me, that won’t work in your favor. Sit next to somebody who looks nice. Is it a lonely old man, and you are a straight guy in your 20s? No matter. Talk about music. Talk about travel. Talk about your grandiose plans for your life. Ask them about theirs. And maybe the cute girl sitting next to that old guy will catch wind and join in your jovial chatter. Maybe tonight will be your night.

Or skip the legal uppers and downers and think of the coolest, most interesting thing you’ve always wanted to learn about but never had the balls. Glass-blowing? Woodworking? Metalsmithing? Foraging for mushrooms? There’s a class for that. You may have to travel forty miles to the closest city to do it, but it will be worth it. Because if it’s the coolest most interesting thing to you, then chances are, you will vibe hard with somebody else in the class who also thinks it’s the coolest most interesting thing. And even if you don’t meet anybody, the next time you settle down next to a girl in a coffee shop, you will get to tell her about that impressive, crazy-cool passion of yours that you’ve recently honed.

Get on the internet. Sign up for a dating site like quickflirt.com. Set up a date with a hottie. And on that date, you will have a wealth of rad experience to draw from. You will be at ease with yourself, great at conversation, and be able to tell her about the insane war stories from the old man sitting next to you at the bar, pimp your interesting skill, and talk about the value of quality coffee. And all that experience, willingness to be vulnerable, and practice will have been worth it.

Mandy X

Thoughts on rebound relationships

 

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Thoughts on rebound relationships

Are rebound relationships a good thing or a bad thing? Can they work? Rational thinking would dictate that it is probably best to leave some space between the end of one relationship and the beginning of a new relationship. My thoughts on rebound relationships are that they can work under some circumstances but there is a higher majority of rebound relationships that don’t work out.

The reason for rebound relationships not working out are varied but the main reason is that the relationship starts in a dysfunctional place. Emotions aren’t neutral and one partner (or both) will be looking to fill a void. In essence they choose someone out of need rather than because they really want the relationship for the right reasons. A sense of urgency develops and needs can be compromised, standards lowered in order to meet urgent emotional voids left by the previous relationship.

When we act on emotional urges we tend to use different parts of our brain (the emotional part – amygdala and hippocampus) and we rationalise in a different way. What may seem a good idea to the emotional brain may not be such a good idea to the rational, healthy mind a few month’s down the line.

Of course, rebound relationships can take away some of the pain of a previous relationship breakup and focus our attention somewhere else. As a counsellor, I have seen people do this, only to end up back in therapy because they haven’t dealt with their underlying issues – looking for another person to fix them rather than them taking the time out to fix themselves and get into a better place emotionally.

It is always a good idea to ‘reset’ your emotional and healthy reasoning mind back to zero, so to speak. With a rebound relationship, nothing is reset and it can be likened to a train starting off from the station without being on the rails properly. A rebound relationship can be a plaster for unresolved trauma and pain.

I know someone who lost his wife eighteen months ago. He hadn’t fully grieved her loss but was emotionally needy and sought out relationships very quickly. He inadvertently wanted his new partners to be similar to his wife and was unable to tolerate differences between their behaviour and his ex-wife’s behaviour. A clear sign that he was not fully over the loss. No one can take the place of another and only by resetting our emotional state (by self exploration and some time out) can we be ready to accept a new person – good and bad.

Rebound relationships can however help someone to move on quicker, perhaps not necessarily in the healthiest way but it can speed up the length of time that one feels heartache. There will always be a danger though that the emotional connection in the rebound realtionship is damaged due to all the emotional baggage that has come into the relationship. Emotional detachment may exist. Comparisons tend to be stronger between the current partner and ex partner in rebound relationships and thinking and emotions may be distorted.

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Where possible, get the train ‘back on the tracks’ in the station before leaving again for a new destination. Some people can do this fairly quickly and enter into a new relationship with robust stability. Each situation is different but the most important aspect is to work at feeling stable emotionally before starting something new.

Mandy X

 

 

Why can’t I stay single?

 

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Why can’t I stay single?

Many clients ask me the question, “Why can’t I stay single?”. The moment a relationship ends they are looking for someone new to replace their old love. What is that all about?

There are many reasons for people constantly pursuing relationships. I have listed a few possible reasons:

A loveless childhood

Some people experience a lack of love as a child and this can create a long lasting neediness. As an adult, they will constantly be searching for that love that they didn’t receive when they were younger. They are always looking to fill the void. As they never received the solid foundation of care and love when they were children, it can create a chemical imbalance, the brain develops differently and there may even be a long lasting biological aspect to this overwhelming need to never be single. These people feel unsafe and unprotected without the love of another person.

Love addiction or relationship addiction

Love addicts crave love obsessively. Their reasons for craving love may stem from a loveless childhood but they are less discerning about their partner. They will settle for whomever is willing to be in a relationship with them. Somehow, along the way, they have developed beliefs that they are inadequate on their own and that they cannot cope alone. These core beliefs lead them to seek out a partner and be in a relationship at all costs. Unfortunately, due to their distorted ideas about themselves and their limited thinking about their ability to cope, they never manage to feel satisfied, even when in a relationship.

They are needy, they can be manipulative and can often be co-dependent as well.

Co-dependency

Co-dependency exists when one partner is excessively dependent upon their partner for emotional support. It is a dysfunctional ‘helping’ relationship that is often one-sided (they do all the giving and their partner does all the taking) and emotionally destructive. People with low self esteem and poor boundaries often have co-dependent relationships. They enjoy taking care of their partner as it gives them a sense of control and security.

Low confidence and low self esteem

People with low confidence and self esteem don’t feel good about themselves and need a partner to bolster their confidence. Due to their low confidence they often stay in relationships that are unhappy as they fear being alone too much. They can end up feeling trapped.

There are many reasons for people staying in relationships and avoiding being single at all costs. As previously mentioned, this can be due to neglect as a child (often the case) and/or faulty assumptions about their abilities to cope as a single person as well as dysfunctional beliefs about what a relationship offers. Ultimately, we all want to be loved and be with someone but being single is not at all inferior to being in a relationship. Many people hold attitudes that being single suggests there is something wrong with them. This is only a thought – not a fact. It is also a thought that can be challenged and changed as it is irrational.

If you tend to resist being single, you probably need to be single for a few months just to show yourself that you can actually do it. You will probably learn more about yourself in that time and be in a better place for a relationship. Being single can be freeing and a great opportunity for personal development.

Mandy X

 

 

Is it really possible to find ‘the one’ online?

 

find-love-online-dating-sites

Is it really possible to find ‘the one’ online?

Finding the perfect partner as a parent can be difficult – it isn’t just you that a potential partner would be taking on. But can you find ‘the one’ online?

As parents, our responsibility is to our children – but that doesn’t mean we should give up on finding love. Many of us are lucky to still be in a relationship with the other parent to our children but sometimes that just isn’t meant to be – and why should we give up on love just because we are a mother or father? The answer is that we shouldn’t! No one should have to give up on the idea of finding love just because they are the primary carer and in charge of another human being.

It can be tough to date as a parent – it isn’t just you that you have to consider at the end of the day – you seemingly come as a package deal and it can be difficult to bring up the topic face to face when meeting someone for the first time. This is where online dating is great. You can create your profile and be completely honest with those who view it so they will know all about you from the offset and are able to decide whether they would like to meet you or not.

We tend to punish ourselves and believe that no one will want us if we aren’t as carefree as possible but this simply isn’t the case. It can be so easy to find potential partners who are interested in you and aren’t at all phased by the fact that you are a parent – perhaps they are even a parent too. People talk about ‘the one’ as if finding him or her is a completely fruitless task but it really isn’t – and with the popularity of online dating now, you have more chance than ever to find someone who is perfect not only for you but also for your situation.

Technology means we are constantly turning to the internet more and more than real life situations – more people are using dating websites to meet people and arrange dates now than that are going out actively hoping to meet someone in their local bar or club. Online is where everyone happens to be and if we are thinking of looking for love, it is definitely where we need to be too.

I would concede and go so far as to say it certainly is possible to find ‘the one’ online – not only have you got the opportunity to be completely honest and truthful from the outset but you also are able to assess their situation too from their profile. It also can be done around your life and your hobbies – you can log on to a dating website from anywhere on your phone and check and reply to messages. Whether you’re sitting on the sofa after your children have gone to bed or standing at the school gates five minutes before they come out of their classrooms, you can log on from anywhere – and who is to say you won’t potentially find the one at this point in time?

Life is so busy now – we all have jobs to work at, families to look after and hobbies to do and looking for love often falls lower down our list of our priorities than the aforementioned things. However, we need to take advantage of the busy times in our lives and use those rare quiet moments to take a moment for ourselves and our needs – if we want to find love, we need to put in the effort ourselves even if we only take a few minutes per day to do so. Then we may hopefully be able to find our perfect partner.

Mandy X

Coping with Breakups or any other Emotional Stress

 

emotional stress

Coping with Breakups or any other Emotional Stress

Breakups and emotional stress can be very unsparing. You go crumple yourself up on the bed and cry all day wishing the feeling would end as soon as possible. You crave for a certain kind of security only a person closest to your heart could give and they end up not being on your side when you need them the most. That is the kind of emotion that breakups daunt on us. It marks us with painful experiences that shackle what is left in our system. After all, we have believed the promises and delights of a love shared with someone but ended up splitting with them from an array of reasons.

We crave food and other things under emotional stress. Perhaps we get pistachio ice cream and watch movies while crying but there is consolation in that. We walk our dogs on the park and have a breath of fresh air. A visit or a chat with spiritual advisors can be a good experience especially if we believe these things could help alleviate our current feelings. These are things that we could possibly do in order to cope with breakups and while we are not saying that these are not good or ineffective, these are short-term actions to help us be better individuals who have learned from our experiences on love and life. On the other hand, there are various reasons and actions to live by and help us to stay happy and stimulated with future endeavors and our experience of love in the long run.

Focus

Staying focused is one way of helping us reach our very best especially in times of great distress and heartbreaks. Think of the very things that make you happy, focus and be better on that. It can be your hobbies, talents and even your present careers in life. This is very helpful especially on people who are confused on the things that matter most and when they doubt on themselves and the things they can and cannot accomplish whilst under such experience of emotional ache and affliction. Stay grounded on the things that one needs to concentrate more in order to uplift one’s personal view of the life and every events ahead. Focus not on the mere things that lacks attention but also remind oneself to improve from other things you focused upon during the past.

Goals

Know your goals at present and the goals you need to pursue in the future. These are as important as your time and the actions you take in order to be the best version of yourself. Also, if you mind keeping a list then it’s not actually a painful work to do. Manage your time for the sake of goals to be done and always set the pace for works and actions to ensure vitality and energy in everything not only on your career but also on your family and relationships to other people. Admire every effort that other people input in your life in turn making your goals achievable in the most efficient process. Celebrate your achievements and never settle for your loss. You can always be better in every single day!

Growth

Always be reminded that heartbreaks does not mean measuring your tolerance for emotional pain. Be brave to accept your weakness and braver to overcome and champion these bad assets. Grow in harmony to your will and the life you want to live therefore do not ask for the presence of someone to validate your individuality. Choose your own happiness and grow from all of circumstances in life however bad or good they are. Never measure your growth on tangible things but develop on the things that could not be seen by the human eye especially traits, values, inner peace and the ability to conquer every obstacle that one faces. Also, think on growing and developing for yourself rather than for others because this can only be one of the greatest things that human lives could ever learn from love and life and everything in between.

growth and passion

Passion

Continue being passionate about everything you admire and do not underestimate your own self for your own survival from heartbreaks and other various emotional stress humankind is experiencing. Being passionate is understanding one’s capability to love despite of the many experiences and events that have happened in the past and is continuing to shape our present. Passion is everything you need to remember yourself when you feel like not wanting to fall in love with someone in the future. You can be passionate on keeping your various relationships with other people but do not seclude yourself from falling in love all over again. After all, what matters most is the passion to continue living without the thought of all the people that left and the circumstances that brought to heartbreaks and other stresses in life.

Hope

Hope is when you believe that there is still goodness in everything how much they have made you different from your past self. Change can only either be good or bad and always strive and hope for the former. Do not hope for the tragedy of others but hope on the better experiences of people surrounding your life. Cherish every moment with them and learn to respect and value their presence in the most challenging and saddening times. One cannot cope up fully from distress if he or she shall not learn the importance of hope besides we can only hope for the better future and the better individuals we could ever be!

These are not ultimatums or ultimate tips or the greatest breakup guides you could ever found but just simple things and reminders to believe that there is always a reason to survive breakups and other emotional stresses. There is always a reason to live life and be invigorated by its many bumps and dirty tracks but most importantly learn and know how to deal with these to know that you are on the right track on the way home to realizations.

Images by Victor Ilunga and Pixabay under Public Domains CC0

13 Danger signs in relationships

 

danger signs relationships

13 Danger signs in relationships

Separate bedrooms

If you are sleeping in separate bedrooms, make sure it is temporary. Long term this spells trouble for any relationship.

Lack of sex

If both partners are happy with a lack of sex, there isn’t a problem. If one partner feels frustrated about not getting enough, this will need to be addressed sooner or later. Don’t sweep it under the carpet and hope the issue goes away – talk about it!

Lack of communication

This is the number one reason for relationships breaking down. As soon as communication is sub par, resentment starts to build, assumptions are made and rot sets in. Make sure you put in the effort to talk to your partner as often as possible. Check in with them and make sure you clear the air regularly. Small issues become big issues if they are ignored.

Living separate lives

It’s healthy to have your own interests and makes the relationship more interesting when you can reunite and discuss your different experiences. The problems begin when you seem to be doing most things separately – seeing your own group of friends, doing your own thing and doing less and less together.

Functioning only a practical level – not connecting emotionally

I see this often in the couples who come to see me seeking help with their failing relationships. They work well together in terms of running the house, paying the bills, getting the kids to school etc but when it comes to their closeness and intimacy as a couple, it can be pretty non existent.

The fun has gone out of the relationship

Do you no longer have any fun together? Make sure you have fun some times otherwise the relationship will become associated with tension and stress and this will most likely lead to the demise of the relationship.

Constant bickering with no resolution

At times, couples get stuck in a rut and they keep repeating the same destructive patterns with each other. No resolution is achieved and communication lessens as both partners begin to feel they are not being heard. Make sure that you listen properly when your partner tries to tell you what is wrong. Do some problem solving around the problem and figure out ways to compromise and restore peace and contentment.

Resentment has built up

Resentment kills love over time. Never sit with resentment for too long. Find ways to talk to your partner and reduce the resentment.This is vital for a happy relationship going forward.

You rarely think of your partner when you aren’t together

Out of sight, out of mind? It may just be that you aren’t a very sentimental person but it could also mean that you no longer have any emotional attachment to your partner. This is a sad state of affairs and needs to be addresses if you want to have the best possible relationship. A good balanced relationship includes emotional, mental and physical intimacy.

You feel relief when your partner goes away

Worse than not missing your partner when they are not around is feeling relief when they are absent. This is a major warning that something is seriously wrong in your relationship. It might even be time for relationship counselling if you want to save your relationship. Don’t put your head in the sand. Deal with the problem – the sooner the better.

You feel alone in the relationship

This is another sign that something is seriously amiss in the relationship. Figure out what is missing and what your partner would need to do (and what you would need to do) to feel connected again.

You feel misunderstood in the relationship

This is easier to resolve than feeling alone in a relationship. It may just be that you are communicating at odds and need to find different ways to get your point across. Don’t give up – be resourceful and creative. Counselling can also help with this one.

Your emotional needs are not being met

When needs aren’t being met, resentment can set in and people will eventually find other ways to meet their needs. If your partner struggles to meet your emotional needs (some people really struggle as their emotional intelligence is low) you can find other ways to meet these needs. Find good friends you can talk to or a therapist. There are ways to work around this one if you love your partner and want to stay in the relationship irrespective of your poorly met emotional needs.

Relationships take work. Think of a relationship as a garden. If you don’t tend to it, weeds will grow. You get out what you put in.

Mandy X