Category Archives: relationships

Relationships form the basic foundation of everything we do. Knowing how to communicate, show empathy and embrace others in a positive way is essential for getting through life.

The “no contact” rule after breakups

separation photo

The “no contact” rule after breakups

The “no contact” rule is talked about on most websites dealing with break ups and relationship splits. It is stated that cutting all contact from your ex partner is the best way forward, irrespective of whether you want to reconcile or not. These websites give two main reasons for the “no contact” rule. They say that it helps you to heal and move on and it gives your ex partner time to miss you.

Now, the no-contact rule does have its virtues but I wish to expand on this very rigid post-break up rule.

No contact does help a person to move on quicker from a relationship split but it isn’t necessarily the best move if you miss your ex and wish to reconcile. My partner and I were apart for nealry 5 months and I didn’t stick to this rule. I only got in touch sparingly but I never believed that the no contact rule was the right one for me.

The best way to reconcile with an ex partner

If you want to get you ex back, it is generally best to keep a low profile for a bit. But this doesn’t necessarily mean “no contact” at all. It might just be that your ex is thinking of reconciliation and decides not to get back in touch because they haven’t heard from you and think you are over them.

I maintained no contact for 2 weeks at the most. Inbetween that I would send the odd funny joke or a casual “how are you?” text. Nothing too heavy.

The bottom line with ex partners is this, if they love you and want you back, they will probably make the effort whether you engage in the no-contact rule or whether you maintain a casual connection.

Maintaining too much communication and being needy however, is never a good idea as it ‘devalues’ your position. Maintaining a casual connection is fine though, contrary to what most people say. Come over confident and happy and show the person what they are missing. DOn’t ask heavy questions or talk about getting back together if you were not responsible for the break up.

Reconciliations happen all the time. Trust your own decisions and go with your instincts.

Mandy X

Can men and women be friends?

men and women photo

Can men and women be friends?

Can men and women ever be just friends? The movie, When Harry Met Sally, is one of my favourite films and it set out to answer that question. However, there still seems to be an ongoing debate around this topic.

According to one new survey, the answer is a straight no. Social network MeetMe polled 6,500 of its users and found that more than half of people said they have fantasised about sleeping with their best friend of the opposite gender. What’s more, nearly 40 per cent (four out of 10) reported actually having slept with said best friend, while two thirds admitted they would should the opportunity present itself.

Despite these numbers, the truth may not actually be so ‘cut and dried’. It depends more upon how men and women define friendship.

Women clearly have more intense close friendships whereas guys tend not to have that” according to Prof    Dunbar .
Evolutionary psychologist Professor Robin Dunbar, at Oxford University, found that while women view their best friends as something in between sisters and soul mates, men see theirs purely in terms of convenience. He came to this conclusion by exploring how people’s friendship circles changed when they left school for university.

Girl’s friendships tended to last longer when they made the effort to talk more on the phone to each other. Talking had no effect on the boy’s relationships at all. Theirs was stronger by doing things together, like a drink at the pub or going to a football match.

“Women clearly have much more intense close friendships. Guys tend not to have that relationship. They tend to have a group of four guys that they do stuff with. That is much more casual. With guys it is out of sight out of mind. They just find four more guys to go drinking with.”

This will be familiar to any woman who has had both the pleasure and disappointment of a close male friend – particularly in your twenties and thirties. At first, things are wonderful. Life is full of great catch ups, and laughter over pints of beer. They listen to your woes, and you help them with their woman problems. It’s the friendship neither of you knew you needed.

Only then, something changes. They start a new relationship. They move to a new postcode (really, it doesn’t have to be far). They get a new job with a ready-made social life. They get a new flatmate. Whatever the change, they suddenly have a replacement for you, and can’t seem to find the time to meet you for that coffee.

You, naively, keep trying. You call them, you send jokey pictures and do exactly what you’d do if a girl friend was growing distant: bombard her with the attention you wish that she was showing you. Except with a male friend, it just doesn’t work.

Whether it is nature or  nurture, most men simply do not view friendships in the same way as women. Sex is hardly the issue – it is the practical problem of how much time and effort they are able to put into a platonic relationship. As the study says, there’s always another drinking buddy around the corner.

Men reading this may feel unfairly judged but when asked, many men will admit that they could not spend hours on the phone with their friends – of either sex.

With male mates like that, it’s probably no surprise that many females put all of their efforts into female friendships and now the academics seem to have backed that choice too.

Mandy X

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/men-women-can-never-friends-sex-has-nothing-do/

How to value yourself

 

loving photo

How to value yourself

If you don’t value yourself, no one else will. Teach others how to treat you by showing them that you respect and value yourself.

Maintain boundaries regarding acceptable behaviour from others

Be clear about what you will and won’t accept from others. I grew up witnessing domestic violence and that is one boundary that is crystal clear to me. If a partner ever hit me I would not stick around a minute longer. I have seen the pattern of violence and then the regrets, apologies and gifts as well as the promises that it will never happen again. And it does happen again. Make sure you know what is acceptable to you and value yourself by sticking to those principles.

Give yourself positive self regard

Self love is just as valid and valuable as love from others. Talk to yourself as you would a best friend. Use positive language and never criticise yourself. “I am useless” is not an option, try this instead, “I may not always feel good about myself but that does not mean I am worthless” or “I have been rejected but that is down to a lack of compatibility, not due to my value as a person”. You owe it to yourself to be your number one fan.

Embrace fear

Fear does not always mean there is danger. Often it is the perception of the threat that causes fear rather than the threat itself. If we fear rejection, we may avoid relationships but the threat never gets challenged and remains ever large and scary. Learn to approach what you fear and discover your capacity to cope. You will do much better than you think you will. We tend to overestimate threat and underestimate out ability to cope. Get out there, feel the fear and do it anyway.

Allow yourself to have fun and be selfish

We are conditioned to say “please” and “thanks you” and to please others and fit in, in society. When we do pamper ourselves, we automatically feel guilty. Give yourself permission to be selfish. Life isn’t all about pleasing others, it’s also about pleasing yourself.

Decide who you are – your definition

No one can make you inferior without your consent. Decide who you are and don’t allow others to define you. They will certainly try but you never ever have to accept another person’s version of you. Stick to the one you have created for yourself. This strong inner sense of self will help you get through life when others try to belittle you or make you feel unworthy.

Keep positive affirmations in your head to remind you of what you stand for. How do you see yourself? This is the most important image, not the one other’s try foist upon you. You are equal to others, no one is superior.

Value yourself, protect yourself and ensure that others treat you well. You deserve love and respect and you also deserve a good quality of life. Don’t give in to the pressure from others to be what they want you to be. Value yourself – this is your choice.

Mandy X

 

Do what’s in your heart

 

follow heart photo

Photo by GU / 古天熱

Do what’s in your heart

Inner wisdom is so underrated. When you do what’s in your heart and you follow your instinct, amazing things happen. The thing is, we tend to ignore that wise inner voice that is trying to tell us something. That gut feel nudges us to do something or to refrain yet we carry on regardless.

When you do what’s in your heart, you are more likely to experience a positive outcome than if you ignore what’s in your heart. I have taken note over the past few years of this theory and have found from my own personal experience that when I tune in to my instincts, it usually guides me in the right direction.

 

 

man smiling photo

When you meet someone for the first time, you make a judgement about them. How often have you found that your initial assumption was correct? The more emotional intelligence you have, the easier this will be. People with autism might find this harder but most people, who have empathy for others and are generally good with people should trust their instincts more. As it is with most things in life, some of us are better at things than others. Listen, tune in and see how effective your inner wisdom is in guiding. It is a skill that can be improved upon.

I believe that we give off energy, there are some people I immediately feel closer to and more connected to than others. Psychologists still can’t fully explain this phenomenon and I believe there are dynamics at work that we don’t fully understand. They are there nonetheless and if we can harness this energy and use it to guide and inform us we will be better placed to make good healthy decisions in life.

Mandy X