Tag Archives: end of relationship

Life sucks sometimes

sad woman photo

 

Life sucks sometimes

It’s a fact, life sucks sometimes. People come into your life and steal your heart and then leave just as quickly as they entered.It’s hard to open up again and take the risk of letting someone else in. Should you trust them with your fragile feelings? I guess life is a risk and you can protect yourself forever or you can be brave and try to let love back in again. Life sucks for various reasons not just due to fading relationships.

I am writing this as it is close to my heart and I like to use this blog to write about all sorts of things. My own life serves as inspiration for blog posts, especially when I know there are many others experiencing similar things. I try to use hard times to learn and apply my professional experience to heal. I use this to help others if I can and to support my clients going through similar things. No one is immune to life, no matter how much ‘wisdom’ and/or knowledge you have.

Being rejected for something you have no control over is tough. He loved me until I told him I had health issues and that was that. He hung in but not for too long. Heart break central! His loss…

You have to believe that things happen for a reason. Being philosophical can be a blessing in life. Some things are beyond our control – like the feelings and thoughts of other people.

What needs to happen – focus on yourself, the only thing you can control. Make the most of yourself, never put yourself down and know that you are special whether someone else recognises it or not. Don’t allow your value and self worth to be wrapped up in the validation from others. Easier said than done but work on loving who you are. Someone who doesn’t want to be with you doesn’t deserve you in the first place. A broken relationship leaves you free to find the person who will love you, warts and all.

Well, that’s what I tell myself and it seems to work most of the time! Life sucks but always remember it won’t (thankfully) stay that way. Visualise yourself in the future, happy and carefree again. Each day, every second – you are closer to that happier place!

Mandy X

Thoughts on rebound relationships

 

broken heart photo

Thoughts on rebound relationships

Are rebound relationships a good thing or a bad thing? Can they work? Rational thinking would dictate that it is probably best to leave some space between the end of one relationship and the beginning of a new relationship. My thoughts on rebound relationships are that they can work under some circumstances but there is a higher majority of rebound relationships that don’t work out.

The reason for rebound relationships not working out are varied but the main reason is that the relationship starts in a dysfunctional place. Emotions aren’t neutral and one partner (or both) will be looking to fill a void. In essence they choose someone out of need rather than because they really want the relationship for the right reasons. A sense of urgency develops and needs can be compromised, standards lowered in order to meet urgent emotional voids left by the previous relationship.

When we act on emotional urges we tend to use different parts of our brain (the emotional part – amygdala and hippocampus) and we rationalise in a different way. What may seem a good idea to the emotional brain may not be such a good idea to the rational, healthy mind a few month’s down the line.

Of course, rebound relationships can take away some of the pain of a previous relationship breakup and focus our attention somewhere else. As a counsellor, I have seen people do this, only to end up back in therapy because they haven’t dealt with their underlying issues – looking for another person to fix them rather than them taking the time out to fix themselves and get into a better place emotionally.

It is always a good idea to ‘reset’ your emotional and healthy reasoning mind back to zero, so to speak. With a rebound relationship, nothing is reset and it can be likened to a train starting off from the station without being on the rails properly. A rebound relationship can be a plaster for unresolved trauma and pain.

I know someone who lost his wife eighteen months ago. He hadn’t fully grieved her loss but was emotionally needy and sought out relationships very quickly. He inadvertently wanted his new partners to be similar to his wife and was unable to tolerate differences between their behaviour and his ex-wife’s behaviour. A clear sign that he was not fully over the loss. No one can take the place of another and only by resetting our emotional state (by self exploration and some time out) can we be ready to accept a new person – good and bad.

Rebound relationships can however help someone to move on quicker, perhaps not necessarily in the healthiest way but it can speed up the length of time that one feels heartache. There will always be a danger though that the emotional connection in the rebound realtionship is damaged due to all the emotional baggage that has come into the relationship. Emotional detachment may exist. Comparisons tend to be stronger between the current partner and ex partner in rebound relationships and thinking and emotions may be distorted.

train photo

Where possible, get the train ‘back on the tracks’ in the station before leaving again for a new destination. Some people can do this fairly quickly and enter into a new relationship with robust stability. Each situation is different but the most important aspect is to work at feeling stable emotionally before starting something new.

Mandy X

 

 

Surviving Loss: You always have a choice

loss and choice

 

Surviving Loss: You always have a choice

When you lose something important it can really knock you for six and change your ‘landscape’ immediately. Illness, death, the end of a relationship…there are many surprises that life sends all of us. I have been through experiences that have left long lasting impressions. At the time, the pain felt unbearable, a searing inescapable pain.  A time when I would have done anything to fast forward life so that I could feel better again.

I wouldn’t wish those times on anyone but I thought it might be a good idea to write a post with tips on what to do to survive those awful times.

When you feel overwhelmed as if you cannot take anymore, remind yourself that you are more resilient than you realise. You can either either sink or swim. Sinking won’t do any good so focus on swimming!

Learning how to swim

Tell yourself that you will get through it. You are strong. You are brave and you CAN do it. You are not going to let this event destroy you. Focus on what is possible…

 

Be philosophical

Everything happens for a reason. You may not know the reason and it may seem completely unfair but looking at life in a philosophical manner will help your mindset, help you cope better.

Post traumatic growth

Every hardship in life teaches you something. All those tears and times when you stayed hidden under the duvet have helped to make you stronger and learn skills that will make you more resilient in the future. Unfortunately no one escapes suffering, we all get out turn. It’s not personal – it’s just the way life is.

Look after yourself

It’s so tempting to just go ‘mad’ and indulge in all the things that won’t make us better in the long term but might help in the short term. The urge is to drown our sorrows. There are no quick fixes. Focus on eating right, getting some exercise (great for stress) and don’t overdo it on the alcohol. Strive for balance and show yourself the compassion you deserve. Make time for yourself. You will have good days and bad days, learn to treat yourself kindly and patiently.

Don’t isolate yourself

The worst thing you can do it hide away. People are far more caring than you may realise but you will only find this out if you risk it and reach out. Maintain your connections with others. This can be a life saver when you are going through a time time. We all need emotional support. Everyone is bumbling through life, trying to figure it all out.

Do what you love

A sad or stressful event will drain you as it encompasses a lot of negative energy. Make sure you find ways to introduce some positive energy into your life – seeing movies, listening to music, watching a comedy, playing with animals, going for a walk etc..

Make a list of things you love doing and make time for them! Keep your mind busy and off your problems.

Keep busy

Deal with the things you need to, but once that has been put into action, try to keep busy instead of wallowing and overthinking. This will lead to self pity and negative thinking and you will feel worse. Don;t give your mind time to allow those negative, self critical and/or fearful thoughts to pester you and affect your mood. Your mind is very good at churning out thoughts – get used to dismissing them…having a thought does not mean it is true or that it deserves any attention.

Life rarely goes as planned but it doesn’t mean your life is over. Be patient, as the days pass you will find things easier. Use the above tips to help you and if you find that you are continuing to struggle, it may be useful to speak to a therapist/mental health professional to make sense of things.

Mandy X

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exes and relationships

 

Exes and relationships

I’ve been asked to help promote a new TV series that looks interesting (no payment involved!)…for those of you in the UK who might be interested…read further… Mandy X

Flyer TV

 

NEW TV SERIES

Award winning TV company Twofour Broadcast (Educating Yorkshire, The Jump) are looking for people to take part in a new prime-time TV series for a major channel.

This exciting new series will explore unresolved past relationships, and we are specifically looking to speak with people who want to rekindle love, ask some burning questions or find closure for once and for all.

We’re looking for men and women 18 or over, all sexual orientations welcome and we’re casting nationwide.

During this warm and positive experience couples who are no longer together will have the opportunity to meet again in a comfortable and relaxed environment, to talk through their relationship honestly and openly.

FILMING INFORMATION:

Filming will involve ex couples reuniting for one evening in a luxury apartment.

The unique ‘fixed rig’ filming style means cameras are discreet and non-intrusive. This allows couples to feel relaxed in their own space without the presence of a filming crew.

Filming is due to take place across 2 days in January 2017.

All travel expenses will be covered as well as dinner and accommodation.

If you’re interested or know someone else who might be then get in touch today.

We look forward to hearing from you! EMAIL: RELATIONSHIPS@TWOFOUR.CO.UK FOR MORE INFO