Tag Archives: Failure

Thoughts on failure

 

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Thoughts on failure

What are your thoughts on failure? Is it a lack of financial success? Is it owning a small house or being single? We all have different ideas about failure and the beliefs we cling to will determine how negatively failure impacts upon us.

Many of my clients blur the lines of failure. They blur the lines between failure being a verb and failure being a noun. I will often hear them say “I am a failure”. This is the number one rule about the concept of failure: Failure is a verb. A person isn’t a failure. Negative thoughts can create intense negative emotions, so spare yourself the grief by being aware of the nature of your thoughts. Never ever see yourself as a failure. Yes, perhaps something to tried to do didn’t work out but that certainly doesn’t equate to the ‘doer’ as a failure. Big difference!

In my books, life is a series of trial and error. We win some, we lose some. Failures show that we are alive and that we are trying. I see that as commendable. I view failure as giving up completely. If you are still trying and haven’t let life beat you down, you aren’t failing.

See failure as your friend. When you look at the process of failure as a a valuable lesson, you will no longer fear making mistakes and…well…failing.

Get living and get failing and see that as success!

 

Mandy X

 

Life sucks sometimes

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Life sucks sometimes

It’s a fact, life sucks sometimes. People come into your life and steal your heart and then leave just as quickly as they entered.It’s hard to open up again and take the risk of letting someone else in. Should you trust them with your fragile feelings? I guess life is a risk and you can protect yourself forever or you can be brave and try to let love back in again. Life sucks for various reasons not just due to fading relationships.

I am writing this as it is close to my heart and I like to use this blog to write about all sorts of things. My own life serves as inspiration for blog posts, especially when I know there are many others experiencing similar things. I try to use hard times to learn and apply my professional experience to heal. I use this to help others if I can and to support my clients going through similar things. No one is immune to life, no matter how much ‘wisdom’ and/or knowledge you have.

Being rejected for something you have no control over is tough. He loved me until I told him I had health issues and that was that. He hung in but not for too long. Heart break central! His loss…

You have to believe that things happen for a reason. Being philosophical can be a blessing in life. Some things are beyond our control – like the feelings and thoughts of other people.

What needs to happen – focus on yourself, the only thing you can control. Make the most of yourself, never put yourself down and know that you are special whether someone else recognises it or not. Don’t allow your value and self worth to be wrapped up in the validation from others. Easier said than done but work on loving who you are. Someone who doesn’t want to be with you doesn’t deserve you in the first place. A broken relationship leaves you free to find the person who will love you, warts and all.

Well, that’s what I tell myself and it seems to work most of the time! Life sucks but always remember it won’t (thankfully) stay that way. Visualise yourself in the future, happy and carefree again. Each day, every second – you are closer to that happier place!

Mandy X

Why you aren’t succeeding

 

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Why you aren’t succeeding

Most of life’s misery comes from the gap between how we want our lives to be and how our lives really are. We all have ideals on how we would like our lives to turn out but often the reality leaves us feeling a little disappointed.

So why is it that we feel we aren’t succeeding in life? I mean, what is success really? How do you define success? For some it may mean financial security and for others it may mean a fulfilling relationship. It could be both and more…

Speaking to the dying, it was discovered that for many of them success means being more daring and taking more chances in life. It’s also about working less and spending more time having fun, being with friends and family. They also said that they wished they had been more true to themselves and expressed their feelings even if it wasn’t what everyone else wanted to hear.

I know that I get caught up in society’s ideals of financial freedom and of where I feel my life should be at a certain point in life (ie. pressure to be married, pressure to have kids and/or a certain type of job with associated status and respect) but when I dig deeper, my inner wisdom tells me that true success for me is the freedom to be me, to follow my interests and to feel happy about that – even if it doesn’t fit the prescribed ‘tick box of success’.

What we’re doing wrong

1) Chasing the wrong things

Reframing what success actually means to YOU is a really good starting point. Stop listening to what you think you should want and ask yourself what it is that makes you feel fulfilled and at peace. Is it animals/nature or is it helping others and/or being sociable. Are you creative or more practical. Is there anything that you do that speeds up time to the point that you wonder where all the time has gone? That means you’re getting closer to what makes you happy. Forget the cars, houses and possessions – forget the material outer world when it comes to “success” and focus inwards on contentment and feeling connected to the world around you.

2) Self limiting beliefs

We all find ways to tell ourselves that something isn’t possible for us. I want you to ask yourself WHY it isn’t possible. You may have really good reasons but then again, you might not. It might be down to some misguided ideas that you have about yourself – not clever enough, too fat, too ugly, not confident enough, not able enough etc etc

I love the saying; “You can’t score a goal if you aren’t on the field”. The same applies to life. If you don’t even try, you’ll never know. So what if it doesn’t work out – part of life is experimenting and trying out things. Life is really one long series of trials and errors. Embrace it, don’t fear it. Tell yourself you can…say “why not?” every time…

3) Unfounded fears

Related to point number two – how often have you avoided something because of a fear of failure or rejection? Reframe what failure is – to me it means never trying. Even if I am trying and failing, I still feel that I am better off than never trying out of fear. My biggest fear is being old and having regrets that I didn’t do more, try more. As I mentioned before – life is a series of trial and error..get on with it!

4) Procrastination

Procrastination comes from fear. We delay and become indecisive as we fear the unknown. What if the outcome isn’t what I hoped for? What then? Unfortunately, life will never give us guarantees – that’s the nature of the game. Mentally strong people are the ones who can adapt to change, they are resilient in their approach to life and their thinking is flexible. Learning to cope with uncertainty is one of the best skills you can learn. The confidence to cope with uncertainty only comes from facing it, doing it anyway and dealing with the outcome.

5) You’re fooling yourself

Denial is one of the greatest barriers to any type of success. Whatever success is to you personally, if you are in denial about your true situation then you aren’t on the ‘playing field’. (See point 2 above). You’re merely a spectator who thinks they’re on the playing field. Whether it’s an awful relationship that you have learned to live with and have ‘normalised’ or whether it is an absurd exaggerated idea of who you are, your chances at success will dwindle. Get real – accept your strengths and weaknesses, confront situations that leave you uneasy and deal with stuff instead of suppressing it.

 What to do

1) Take action, stop thinking so much

2) Ask yourself what you would do if you knew you couldn’t fail

3) Believe it’s possible. Adopt a “can do” attitude

3) Decide what success means to you

4) Stop taking yourself so seriously

5) Stop comparing and decide what’s important to you

6) Differentiate between what you want to do and what you think you should be doing. “Should is a dirty word that needs to be removed from the dictionary…

7) Watch your thinking. Challenge your thoughts as often as possible – thoughts can be ignored if they don’t bring out the best in you. They are not facts and you do not have to believe the automatic negative thoughts. Find new thoughts that support you and your endeavours instead of ones that stop you in your tracks.

Mandy X

 

5 Things You Could Stop Worrying About

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5 Things You Could Stop Worrying About

I like to think of worrying as unnecessary mental torture. We experience something like 50 000 thoughts per day (some estimate the figure as much higher – around 80 000 thoughts per day) and up to 80% of these thoughts are just random thoughts that do not have a particular purpose, other than to make us fret and raise our blood pressure. One of my favourite sayings about worrying is “worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere”. Many of us mistakenly believe that worrying helps to keep a safe and in control. Now I don’t know about you, but I can think of many times in my own life where I have worried and planned and my expectations have still been s thwarted. It is simply not true that worrying can keep you safe.

Constructive, focused worry is a different story. This is when we make a concerted effort to problem solve and to set goals for ourselves. This post is more about worrying for the sake of worrying. Common examples: “why hasn’t he/she called me back? Is it something I have said?”; “They seem to have the perfect life while mine is falling apart”; “what if I embarrass myself at the party this weekend?”; “What if I end up alone with no one to care for me?”; “What if I get an illness… What then?”…

The list goes on and so we churn anxiety provoking thoughts around in our minds constantly.Your mindset governs your actions which leads to your results in life. Fill your mind with positive productive thinking and the world around you will start to change.

I have seen so much evidence of how unproductive too much worrying can be. It creates anxiety and tension and can lead to depression, often due to the fact that we buy into our subjective reality. Separate thoughts from reality. Look for the evidence instead of assuming all taking things personally.

Here is a list of common worries that are pretty much futile:

1) What others think of you

This is easier said than done, I know.If you think about it, what difference does it really make? It is impossible to please everybody so get into the habit of pleasing yourself. It is your life not theirs. Accept that there will be people that love you and there will be people that love you less. It’s no big deal. Keep on doing your thing and stay true to who you are instead of trying to change to please others.It rarely works.

2) What ifs

Oh my goodness, when we get into this way of thinking it could be never-ending.The nature of life is precarious-the quicker we accept this the faster we can get on with living our lives instead of trying to predetermine every possible glitch before it has happened. We could all easily get sucked into “what if” thinking that if you find yourself doing this, remind yourself that all possibilities are possible!

Mindfulness is a good way to counteract “what if” thinking. Be in the moment and engage your senses.Really listen, observe, taste, touch and smell your immediate environment. Be as fully present as you can. The more we engage our five senses the less time and minds have to wander off and worry aimlessly.

3) Failure

When we allow the fear of  failure to overwhelm us, it can lead to paralysis.we fear making the wrong decision and end up procrastinating and not making any decisions. We become frightened of life. This is where it is very important to watch your beliefs around failure. What does failure mean to you? A healthy attitude to failure means that you never see yourself as a failure. Perhaps things that you try to not work out, but that’s okay. Life is inherently a trial and error process. Relish the fact that you are on the crazy ‘rollercoaster of life’ and that you are learning as you go.When I fail and I may feel disappointed but I also feel that I have learned something to help me move forward.

4) Rejection

Being rejected can trigger all sorts of fears and insecurities within us. It makes sense then as to why many of us will do anything to avoid being rejected. We naturally assume that we are not good enough but we also need to consider what else is going on and we get rejected. Rejection is unfortunately something that we all experience. It is not true that every person that has ever been rejected is not good enough. I can think of people who seem to have it all and still get rejected. they are beautiful rich and famous and have everybody clamouring for their attention. It is not at all about not being good enough, it is more about incompatibility.It serves no purpose to talk yourself in a downtrodden manner.If you have been rejected, see it as a sign that that person was not meant for you. Be optimistic about the idea that the right person is still out there waiting for you or looking for you. People with high self-esteem tend to deal better with rejection. If you find rejection overwhelming it may be a good idea to work on your self-esteem and learn to love and accept yourself. It’s an odd phenomenon that other people tend to treat you the level that you treat yourself.

5) The Past

Yes, I am going to say it. That old cliche-the past is done and it cannot be changed. Mistakes have been made and there will be regrets but wasting mental energy and looking behind you will not only exhaust you but also leave you feeling emotionally depleted. Use the past as a learning tool and remind yourself that everyone has skeletons in the closet. The power rests with the present moment. Not in the past in neither in the future. Hang on to your fond memories of the past and maintain a sense of humour about it less than fond memories.

 

What we tell ourselves on an ongoing basis, whether it be good or bad, right or wrong reflects not only what we think but also how we feel and act. This can directly influence our results in life. Learn to stop worrying and let stuff go. It takes practise and self awareness but it’s worth the effort.

 

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

 

Mandy X

 

Photo by symphony of love

Photo by Evil Erin