Tag Archives: how to love yourself

How to increase self belief

 

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How to increase self belief

If you want to know how to increase self belief – listen up. This may be the most important information you’ll ever read. I have accomplished so much more in my life by working on my self belief. It’s a constant effort and I have to work on it daily but the results are worth it. Here are my top tips on how to become your own number one fan:

Understand that if you don’t believe in yourself, very few other people will. When you give off confidence and self acceptance, others don’t tend to question this. In fact, they will be more drawn to you. Confident people make others feel safe and they act as magnets socially. People like confidence. They won’t question your right to be so confident – they will just see someone who really seems to like themselves and that’s immensely attractive.

There are many things in life that can decrease our self belief and that is why it is a repetitive effort to keep the self belief alive. Social media, like Facebook and Instagram don’t help self belief at all. The more we think we are missing out and don’t have much as others, the more unhappy we become and the less self belief we have. Beware the perils of spending too much time on social media. If you do – remember that a lot of what you see is exaggerated and isn’t reality. Others put on a ‘show’ but real life is seldom as glamorous as they’d like you to believe.

Practise gratitude

Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, make sure you look at what is good in your life. There are always things to be grateful for but the way the world is structured leads us to constantly compare. Making comparisons inevitably leads to a sense of deprivation and feelings of inadequacy. Stop doing it! Be appreciative of what you do have and what works well for you. Focus on this regularly and if necessary – make a list that you can read regularly of all the things you love and appreciate in yourself and your life.

Validate yourself

We all like external validation. When others tell us we look great or that we have done a good job, it’s very satisfying. The trick is to NEVER rely on this external validation as a way to increase self belief. Make sure that you give yourself validation. Regularly talk to yourself in a positive and empowering manner. Tell yourself that you are wonderful and amazing. Focus often on all your fantastic characteristics – are you funny, kind, patient? Remind yourself of all your good qualities. Clients often (mistakenly) tell me that they think this is arrogance. Arrogance is thinking you are better than others. Confidence is liking and accepting yourself and making the best of you.

Maximise strengths, minimise weaknesses

No one is perfect and we can’t be good at everything. Get to know yourself well and know what you are good at. Work to increase your strengths and use them in your life. There is not point in doing something that exposes all your weaknesses and none of your strengths. Play to your strengths and remind yourself of all the good things you have achieved in your life. What have your successes been?

Positive attitude to failure

Never see yourself as a failure. Perhaps something you have done didn’t work out but always separate actions from yourself as a person – they are two different things. Define failure – to me, failure is completely giving up. Someone who tries and fails one hundred times is not a failure – they are a learner of life.

Keep the faith

There have been seriously dark times for me when I have felt rejected and feel I have failed at life. Times of extreme loneliness when I felt that I was worthless. This is normal and you can’t possibly feel 100% confident all of the time. What you need to do though during the dark times of self doubt is sit tight and keep the faith. Remind yourself that you are still the same amazing person and although you don’t quite feel connected to that confident part of you – it’s still there.

Life will move on and your light will shine again. Never stop believing in yourself even when you feel the world has. Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Choose your thoughts carefully and be kind to yourself.

Practise self compassion

Always always be kind to yourself. That means – no critical self talk. Be caring towards yourself as you would someone you loved dearly. Imagine yourself as that cute little 5 year old child – how would you talk to your 5 year old self? You would cuddle them and tell them things will improve. You would encourage them and tell them they are brilliant.

Create goals

Make sure you have some goals, something to work towards. When we have goals in place it creates structure and purpose in our lives and helps boost us psychologically. Put together a list of goals for yourself that are:

Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Measurable and time bound (SMART goals)

When you have self belief you are far more likely to be successful. Your thinking will spur you on. Research has proven time and time again that when we are positive and focus on our strengths and nurture our self belief, we get more done. Believing is half the battle!

Mandy X

 

 

 

Love yourself

 

happy woman photo

Love yourself – A contract with yourself

Not enough people really like themselves – that’s a fact. This world would be a better place if people liked themselves more. I believe we would have less hangups, get on with others more and the world would be a nicer place if we all respected and honoured ourselves more.

Here is a contract to make with yourself, a promise to love and cherish yourself and to do the best you can to reach your full potential:

I, ____________________ promise to love and cherish myself. I promise to treat myself with respect and be assertive with those that do not treat me well. I will make every effort to be true to myself and follow my own path instead of continuously pleasing others and putting my needs last. I need to look after myself first in order to be a ‘together’ person and/or a better partner and/or parent.

I will do my best to recognise and make the most of opportunities that come my way and will try to keep a good balance in my life between work and leisure.

I will remind myself regularly and repeatedly about my strengths and achievements and will talk to myself as if I was my own best friend. I deserve love and kindness and will do my best to treat others the same way.

 

Signed______________________________   Date__________________________________

 

You can add/delete any parts and make up your own contract with yourself. I have signed a contract with myself and keep it at the front of my diary. I read it every now and then when I realise I am going ‘off track’ and not putting myself first.

It’s a great reminder of my self worth!

Mandy X

 

Learning self acceptance

 

 

inspired person photo

Learning self acceptance

No amount of self improvement can make up for a lack of self acceptance. There are two sides to each of us – our ‘essential self’ – the person you were born to be before you became conditioned to act a certain ways by society. Then there’s your ‘social self’ – the ‘acceptable’ you that has been show how to behave in the presence of others.

Essentially this gives us all the message that we are fundamentally not okay as our essential selves. What an awful message!! This leads to most people lacking in self esteem and feeling they are not good enough.

Understand this – you are GOOD ENOUGH. Everything that you are and that you have inside is all you need to be amazing, to be successful and to achieve peace of mind. You don’t have to accept society’s warped version of who you should be.  Our social self is constantly under bombardment – wear these clothes, drive this car. act like this and you will be accepted. Your essential self feels wonderful without having to do anything. If you lack self esteem and constantly feel inferior to others, you are far too tuned in to your social self.

There is nothing wrong with you. Finding your essential self means turning inwards and focusing upon what you REALLY want instead of what you feel is expected of you.

How to reconnect with your essential self:

Laugh more

Be childlike and curious about the world

Maintain a neutral perspective as much as possible. Keep an open mind and find out first before you make up your mind. Get rid of preconceived ideas about the world and others.

Don’t take yourself too seriously

Stop listening to others, especially those that are negative and cynical and tell you that you can’t do something

Take time out from your busy life – make time to be playful and have fun

Make your own rules and decide which rules that others have made work for you

Watch the news less

Think positively about others and see them as fun and engaging rather than having fearful suspicious thinking of everyone (to a degree obviously with this one…don’t be naive).

Get in touch with your emotions instead of operating on ‘auto-pilot’

Live more in the moment

Start identifying rules that you have put in place. for example – I can only enjoy myself once I have exhausted myself and worked hard. Look at each rule and see whether this belief is one you wish to carry around with you and adhere to. Be wary of rules that keep you limited and stop you achieving your true potential.

Be fearless, be brave and choose thoughts and rules that empower you and help you to get out there and live your best life possible.

Mandy X

inspired person photo

Photo by symphony of love

Photo by Celestine Chua

No One Like You

You are wonderful

You are wonderful

There’s No One Like You

One thing that I have found to be extremely common amongst my clients is self doubt and a lack of self love. There are two ways that I test this. I sometimes compliment a client if they are wearing something flattering or they are looking well and nine times out of ten, the recipient of my compliment will look away and make some excuse to negate what I have said. Most people find it very difficult to accept a compliment. The second ‘test’ is to ask a client to list five things that they like about themselves. Again, the common response is a blank look and lots of “ums” and “aahs”. Most people find it difficult to spontaneously list good things about themselves. This is a worrying state of affairs as it indicates that most people don’t have a positive inner dialogue and have some sort of mental block towards liking themselves. Positive self regard definitely doesn’t seem to be the default position.

When I talk to clients about how important it is to like themselves, I often get the argument that it will seem arrogant. Again, this is a common misconception. Being arrogant means that you believe you are better than others, loving yourself means that you feel you are just as good as anyone else and really like who you are. When you are happy in your own skin, this self confidence exudes into everything you do and others pick up on it mostly through your non verbal language. The way you stand the way you treat others – people accept you as a person who is obviously worth getting to know, they don’t ask you to show your credentials to back up your confidence.

Think about it – there is no one on this planet that is exactly like you. You are meant to be here and there is a purpose for your life. You owe it to yourself to make the best of your time here and to give yourself the best possible life – this isn’t possible without a healthy dose of self love.

Right now, write down ten things that you like about yourself/ten strengths that you possess. There is no one like you – what makes you unique?

Here are a few examples to get you going:

  • Great company
  • Good sense of humour
  • Kind
  • Tolerant

Never ever criticise yourself. Instead of inner dialogue such as “I am stupid” or “I am fat and ugly”, reframe these statements something like this:

“I am stupid” —“I may not know everything but I will find out what I don’t know. No one knows everything and what is the definition of “stupid” anyhow?”

“I am fat and ugly” — “I may be having a bad day and there are things about myself I would like to improve but I accept myself as I am – a work in progress”.

Back yourself 100% and if you don’t, ask yourself why not. It can only benefit you if you like yourself. When you like yourself you expect good things to happen and self worth acts as a fantastic antidote to abusive behaviour from others. Self love acts as a safeguard,  you expect to be treated well.

Remember that there is no one like you – celebrate the person you are, faults and all…

Mandy X