Tag Archives: love

Is it really possible to find ‘the one’ online?

 

find-love-online-dating-sites

Is it really possible to find ‘the one’ online?

Finding the perfect partner as a parent can be difficult – it isn’t just you that a potential partner would be taking on. But can you find ‘the one’ online?

As parents, our responsibility is to our children – but that doesn’t mean we should give up on finding love. Many of us are lucky to still be in a relationship with the other parent to our children but sometimes that just isn’t meant to be – and why should we give up on love just because we are a mother or father? The answer is that we shouldn’t! No one should have to give up on the idea of finding love just because they are the primary carer and in charge of another human being.

It can be tough to date as a parent – it isn’t just you that you have to consider at the end of the day – you seemingly come as a package deal and it can be difficult to bring up the topic face to face when meeting someone for the first time. This is where online dating is great. You can create your profile and be completely honest with those who view it so they will know all about you from the offset and are able to decide whether they would like to meet you or not.

We tend to punish ourselves and believe that no one will want us if we aren’t as carefree as possible but this simply isn’t the case. It can be so easy to find potential partners who are interested in you and aren’t at all phased by the fact that you are a parent – perhaps they are even a parent too. People talk about ‘the one’ as if finding him or her is a completely fruitless task but it really isn’t – and with the popularity of online dating now, you have more chance than ever to find someone who is perfect not only for you but also for your situation.

Technology means we are constantly turning to the internet more and more than real life situations – more people are using dating websites to meet people and arrange dates now than that are going out actively hoping to meet someone in their local bar or club. Online is where everyone happens to be and if we are thinking of looking for love, it is definitely where we need to be too.

I would concede and go so far as to say it certainly is possible to find ‘the one’ online – not only have you got the opportunity to be completely honest and truthful from the outset but you also are able to assess their situation too from their profile. It also can be done around your life and your hobbies – you can log on to a dating website from anywhere on your phone and check and reply to messages. Whether you’re sitting on the sofa after your children have gone to bed or standing at the school gates five minutes before they come out of their classrooms, you can log on from anywhere – and who is to say you won’t potentially find the one at this point in time?

Life is so busy now – we all have jobs to work at, families to look after and hobbies to do and looking for love often falls lower down our list of our priorities than the aforementioned things. However, we need to take advantage of the busy times in our lives and use those rare quiet moments to take a moment for ourselves and our needs – if we want to find love, we need to put in the effort ourselves even if we only take a few minutes per day to do so. Then we may hopefully be able to find our perfect partner.

Mandy X

The best possible life

happy life photo

 

The best possible life

Don’t compare yourself to others

Don’t care about what others think

Be yourself

Enjoy the present moment

Revel in the small things – shared joke with a friend, a walk in the park…

Make time to play

Have a sense of humour – laugh a lot

Let go of the small things

Don’t take life too seriously

Try new things regularly

Look after yourself – physically, mentally and emotionally

Give love without expecting it back

Make regular time for friends and family

Strive for balance between work and leisure time

Seek out experiences over possessions

Ensure you have goals to works towards and a sense of purpose

When life seems sad and/or bad, try to see the bigger picture

There are many things that contribute towards the best possible life. These may be different for each one of us but there are some enduring aspects of life that we can all get happiness and fulfillment from. For me, living in the moment and trying not to take life too seriously are two that work well for me.

Mandy X

 

 

 

 

How to overcome insecurity in relationships

 

insecurity

How to overcome insecurity in relationships

A lot of it is made up

Separate what is your imagination and what is reality. When you feel insecure, you will be on high-alert for any possible sign that your partner doesn’t love you. Be willing to detach slightly from this type of thinking as it can increase insecurity in relationships. More often than not, you will find that your fears don’t come true.

Accept uncertainty

You can never have 100% certainty in any relationship unfortunately, so get into the habit of accepting that there is some uncertainty that is just a part of life and a part of relationships. It isn’t something you can control so try to focus on something you have control over instead – like how you behave when you are with your partner. Work on being as confident as possible, even if you don’t feel it inside.

Flexible thinking

You may have a rigid idea of how someone should behave if they love you. When your partner doesn’t act this way, you automatically assume they don’t love you. Be careful as this thinking is terribly flawed. We all show our love in different ways. Learn to relax and accept that your partner may not necessarily show their love for you in the way that makes you feel loved. There are in fact, many ‘languages of love’, such as gifts, quality time, acts of service and so on. Be more flexible in your thinking to help you minimise your insecurity in relationships.

Stop Mind Reading

Be aware when you are making assumptions about what your partner is thinking. Mind reading is an unhelpful thinking style as it is not based on evidence. Make sure you see the difference between what is going on in your mind and the real facts of the situation. Perhaps your partner is thinking the complete opposite of what you are assuming.

Focus on your good points

Remind yourself of all your positive points. Often, insecurity comes from not having enough confidence and self acceptance. Regularly remind yourself of how lovely you are and why anyone would be lucky to be in your company. Really – it’s important to speak to yourself in this positive manner as often as possible.

We can all feel insecure at times. Try not to focus on those negative thoughts that leave you fearful and anxious. Instead focus on what is going well and on what you can control. Remind yourself that you will cope with whatever comes your way. We cannot control other people in our lives, all we can do is control how we think and react to others. Learn to let go and enjoy life more without trying to control everything around you. Go with the flow a little more. Be philosophical and learn to trust the process of life more – that things are unfolding as they are meant to.

Mandy X

 

Focus on yourself

self focus

Focus on yourself

It’s so easy to focus on the other person in a new relationship. Do they like me? Are they into me? It can become a draining and anxiety producing experience because we can’t control what another person feels or how they behave. This is why you must focus on yourself. All we have control and power over is how we wish to behave and react in a relationship. Focusing too much on the other person is a waste of time. I have been insecure in relationships in the past and it has turned a good relationship into one where I feel on edge. I am not the jealous type but I did tend to worry a lot when in a relationship and look for any sign that they were losing interest.

As you can imagine, this took all the fun out of the relationship. What I should have been doing was enjoying the relationship more and not overthinking and dissecting every small thing the other person did, driving myself crazy in the process.

Where to Put Your Focus

Putting your focus on getting your partner to like you, or constantly trying to figure out if they like you really doesn’t help you in a positive way at all. Instead, put your focus on yourself. Work at your own personal growth and self improvement. Have a lot going on in your life. The richer your own life is, the less bothered you will be if your partner is temporarily less attentive. If they are your whole focus, it will be a much bigger deal when they don’t text enough or show you enough attention. Work on really liking yourself and on finding fulfillment in your own life.  I know it’s much  easier said than done, but that’s what makes all the difference.

Be philosophical and trust the workings on the universe. Trust that things are unfolding as they are meant to. We don’t have much control over anything in this life. You can’t control how someone feels, or when, and if, certain things will happen to you and for you. All you can do is focus on yourself and find a way to be at peace, to accept yourself as you are, and to love who you are.

Mandy X

Reasons to love and commit to someone

 

happy relationship photo

11 Reasons to love and commit to someone

They love you as you are

When someone loves you, they actually like your strange little habits instead of finding them annoying.

They do small things without being asked

When your partner does small favours for you without having to, it shows that you are on theit mind and that they want to please you and make you happy – this is a very good sign.

You can tell them anything

When you feel that you can be completely open with your partner without fear of them rejecting you, it helps foster intimacy and a sense of unconditional love

You are best friends

When your partner is the first one you want to tell about an event in your life it’s a good sign that you are best friends.

You share the same sense of humour

When you can laugh at the same things it can help you to feel that you are a little team who ‘get’ each other in a way others don’t and this can make you feel closer as a couple.

Ideally, you have similar political and religious views

This is a bonus in a relationship but not not lead to a ‘make or break’ situation.

You are good emotional support for each other

Some people have more emotional intelligence and empathy than others, and it can be a real struggle in a relationship when one of you needs more emotional support than the other. Finding someone who is supportive and makes you feel cared for can be wonderful in world where there are few ‘soft places’ to fall.

You want the best for them

When you love someone you want them to be the best possible person they can be and enjoy it when they get ahead. You will do whatever you can to help them have an easier life.

If something bothers you, they will try to stop doing it

When someone cares about you and you have a complaint about the relationship, it will be important to them to try stop whatever it is that is upsetting you. Instead of denying what is going on or telling you that you are wrong, they will be mature enough to look at their own behaviour and how it may be contributing negatively to the relationship.

You miss them when you’re apart

When you aren’t together, they are on your mind a lot of the time. If you don’t think about them much it’s probably not a good sign or if you don’t look forward to seeing them after a break.

They respect you and talk to you nicely

When you truly love someone, you respect them and treat them well. This doesn’t mean you never argue or disagree but you tend to speak to each other in a respectful, loving manner.

Relationships can be wonderful but they involve a certain amount of emotional risk. Enjoy the intimacy and trust your instincts. Give a relationship a chance and don’t run at the first sign of trouble but also learn not to take too many knocks. Remember you teach people how to treat you, whether you react or not.

Mandy X

 

 

 

 

 

Power in relationships

man and woman photo

Power in relationships

Power in relationships relies on who cares the least. The less you are emotionally invested, the less you are affected by what the other person does. Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least.

When we seek out a partner, we all have expectations of what we are looking for and how we imagine the relationship to be. Typically, a dynamic exists in the couples that come to me for help. There is usually an imbalance in terms of who cares more for whom. One person typically expresses less love, affection and respect than the other. It takes two people to begin a relationship but only one to end it.

Taking care of the power imbalance is a good way to re-assess the health of the relationship and address any power differences. Relationship do go through phases where one partner may seem to care more than the other, that’s normal. What isn’t normal is when the power imbalance never swings around. At this point, it is important to decide whether you are happy to stay in a relationship where you do not feel as loved as you should. The person who cares the most will inevitably find that their emotional needs are not being met and if they are truly honest with themselves, they will realise that they are sacrificing a lot for mere ‘crumbs’ of affection and love from their partner.

Power in relationships will always exist, be aware of the dynamic that exists in yours and address it accordingly. If the power seems completely out of balance, it may be worth seeking out couples counselling to redress the balance.

Mandy X

How to overcome insecurities in a relationship

 

insecure in relationships

How to overcome insecurities in a relationship

Feeling insecure often has to do with low self esteem and a negative inner dialogue. Part of dealing with insecurities in a relationship consists of working on yourself – identify yur strengths and know what you are worth. Tell yourself that whomever has your love is a very lucky person. See yourself as a prize. Half the battle is being true to yourself and liking yourself. This strong inner foundation can help you through the more tricky times in a relationship. Because this struggle is so internal and most of the time even independent of circumstances, it’s important to deal with our insecurities without distorting or dragging our partner into them. We can do this by taking two steps 1. Uncovering the real roots of our insecurity and 2. Challenging the inner critic that sabotages our relationship.

Stop thinking it is all about you

When we feel insecure we often think it is because we aren’t enough on some level. Consider the possibility that what you think is going on in the relationship actually has nothing to do with your perceived failings/flaws.

Communication

Communication is also key in order to counteract insecurities. You may very well have ‘picked up the wrong end of the stick’. When we are insecure, we tend to view things through our insecurity-filter and we are triggered by things that others who feel more secure would not even notice. Stop seeing things in black and white. Sometimes relationships feel less loving and less supportive – this is normal.

Stop being dependent on anyone but yourself

Be aware that you might be seeing problems where none exist  – in other words, you may be making up stuff. Ask yourself, “Am I making things up in my head?”. Look for clear evidence to support your thinking and often you will find there isn’t anything clearly obvious. (Such as your partner clearly saying “I don’t love you and don’t want to be with you anymore”.

Give up the idea of the perfect relationship

It doesn’t exist. There are ups and downs and mood changes, moments of affection and closeness and moments of friction.  These ups and downs are completely normal and expected in relationships.

Examine your expectations

You may have a pre-existing idea of how a relationship should be – let go a little. Self assurance comes from learning to accept uncertainty to a certain extent. GIve yourself reassurance rather than expecting it constantly from your partner. Being too needy and clingy can be off-putting. Learn to talk to yourself and remind yourself of all your good qualities.

Space is important

Have other interests beyond the relationship

Stop ‘mind reading’/making stuff up

Constantly wondering what your partner is thinking is a quick route to anxiety. If they say one thing, don’t automatically assume they mean something else or that they are hinting at something. If they say nothing don’t assume that their silence is significant, either.

Many people relax by not talking. Constantly wondering and asking what someone is thinking is a dead end because even if they do tell, will you believe them anyway?

‘Mind reading’ happens when we assume we know what someone is thinking when we don’t.

Focus on what is good

Insecure people assume a relationship is bad unless reassured otherwise. Secure people assume all is good in the relationship unless shown or proven otherwise. Let this be your default position too. No meaningful relationship will always work flawlessly all the time.  Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship spells trouble.  There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good.  Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships.  What you need to do is look for signs of what is working well.

Healthy happy relationships go through tough times too. Don’t hold back in relationships and give as much as you get. Try not to hold back and play games due to fear or insecurity. When you feel anxious, give it a little time and see whether you are just making things up or whether there is something to truly be concerned about. Stop and think before reacting. Learn to be self sufficient. If the anxiety continues despite looking for clear evidence (and finding none), examine your values and reasonable expectations and then communicate these to your partner. A loving partner will want you to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship and will care about your needs. Look at what they do AND say.

Mandy X