Tag Archives: manipulation

Acceptance and resistance

acceptance photo

Acceptance and resistance

What you resist persists. How much of your life is acceptance and how much is resistance? I find that I am often resisting without realising it and exhausting myself in the process.

Imagine being on a boat on a lake and there is no wind at all. You keep blowing on the sails but it doesn’t get you anywhere. You just won’t accept the fact that there is now wind. After a while you have to just sit back down and wait. The wise person accepts that there is no wind and focuses on other things – things they can control in the meantime. Sure enough, after a few hours or so, the wind picks up and the boat gets moved along naturally.

Life is a lot like the story above. We resist what we cannot change instead of accepting. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up but it means knowing ¬†where to focus our energy and effort. We resist the behaviour of others, trying to manipulate them or persuade them. Sometimes, accepting the other person as they are and focusing more on ourselves and how we react to them is where our power lies. Acceptance that we cannot control others but we can control our reactions and attitudes is a great way to move forward with acceptance and reduce resistance.

Think of areas in your life that you resist – areas where you have no control. Give that up. It will exhaust you and won’t achieve anything. This is something I have learned over the years and I am still a work in progress but acceptance has taken a lot of pressure off and led me to feeling a lot more peaceful.

Mandy X

 

 

Examples of passive aggressive behaviour

 

passive aggressive

Examples of passive aggressive behaviour

I have put together a list of examples of passive aggressive behaviour as this type of behaviour can be subtle. Despite it being a form of manipulation that can be subtle on the surface, it’s emotional impact can be huge.

Examples of passive aggressive behaviour

  • Being nice to someone when you actually dislike them and feel unable to tell them you don’t like them
  • Agree with something but never follow through on it because underneath you really don’t agree at all
  • Act the opposite of what others are expecting. For example – you promise to pick someone up at 9am and turn up late, never having had the intention to comply and fetch them at the agreed time
  • Not voicing your true opinion but then manipulating the situation in order to get your own way
  • Feel angry inside but don’t express it it a healthy, mature way. Instead you use your behaviour to ‘show’ the other person you are angry with them. This can be done by ignoring the other person or giving them the silent treatment without them knowing what is going on
  • Trying to please others by agreeing with their plan of action, yet actually doing the opposite
  • Act one way but feel the opposite
  • Deny that any problems exist when there is clearly tension in a relationship
  • Minimise the extent of problems
  • Act in a patronising way and make as if the problems that exist are imagined
  • Demonstrate behaviour inconsistent with your words
  • Never confronting someone about problems

Steps to eliminate passive aggressive behaviour

Be more assertive and speak up – use direct and open communication to express yourself.Most people who display passive aggressive behaviour are not good at asking for what they want and feel they have to get what they want in an underhanded, covert manner.

We are all responsible for ourselves and you owe it to yourself to learn how to communicate as an adult. Children use passive aggressive behaviour because they fear standing up to their parents. As an adult, you have every right to disagree or ask for your opinion to be listened to.

Mandy X

 

How to spot a manipulative personality

 

manipulation photo

How to spot a manipulative personality

Do you know the signs of a manipulative personality? Chances are, you have a vague idea but for many of us, manipulation carries on right under our noses. That’s because manipulative personalities are so adept at manipulation that they do it often, without being detected.

A manipulative personality is focused on getting their needs met. They don’t really have the time or inclination to be bothered with your needs, no matter what they are. They are skilled in the art of deflection. Any accusation aimed at them will shift direction, be aimed away from them – most likely back onto you. Example: “It upset me when you left me standing in the rain last night”. Deflection: “Well you should’ve taken an umbrella”. Here, the manipulative personality does not wish to deal with their behaviour and take responsibility so they will deflect that by adding in a new issue to take the ‘heat’ off them = manipulation!

A healthy, rational person would be able to deal with WHY they left someone standing in the rain.

A manipulative personality often lacks assertiveness and has learned to use manipulation as a covert way to get what they want. They will cast doubt on how you see things, even going so far as to poke fun at you or criticise your way of thinking. The more someone lacks self belief and confidence, the easier they will be to manipulate.

A manipulative personality often suffers from low self esteem and often don’t believe that they deserve many of the things they wish for. Instead, if they use manipulation, they can get what they want in an underhanded and subtle manner that avoids them having to ask directly for it.

They will adopt passive-aggressive behaviour and play mind games. They won’t ever want to be backed into a corner and may offer vague explanations for things. They like to be able to chop and change to suit their current mood so you may find it almost impossible to obtain a definitive answer from a manipulative personality.

Manipulative personalities never accept responsibility for their own behaviour, often see themselves as the victim and never accept the blame for anything. They often have low empathy for others and many tend to possess narcissistic tendencies. This is an over-generalisation but there is often an overlap between narcissism, sociopathy and manipulation.

Spotting manipulation can make it easier to withstand. Look out for the signs. When you are with a manipulator, you will often feel you are not being heard and that your needs are going unmet. Take heed and listen to your inner voice. At times, we are so desperate to be loved that we overlook the signs but they will become worse so it’s better to spot them early on!

Mandy X

 

 

Playing mind games in relationships

 

mind games

Playing mind games in relationships

Any interaction with another person has the potential to involve some type of mind game. In fact, many of us are quite good at playing mind games in relationships. The problems start when the mind games are used for dubious purposes. Unscrupulous people want to be in control and many have learned how to push other people’s buttons and pick up on subtle emotional signals in order to manipulate the other. Mind games involve manipulation, twisting the facts and creating doubt to destabilise another person. Here are some examples of mind games in relationships and tips to counteract them:

The more tumultuous someone’s childhood was, the more likely they are to engage in mind games. As a powerless child faced with unfair and unreasonable parents, children learn ways to manipulate the situation in a subtle passive way in order to cope emotionally. Many take these dysfunctional coping mechanisms into their adult relationships.

Twisting the facts

Playing mind games involves twisting the facts of a situation in order to suit the manipulator’s version of events. They will see the situation their way and will generally lack the empathy to understand another person’s point of view. They will ignore feelings and repeat their version of events, effectively voiding any other point of view of a situation. This can be extremely frustrating for the partner who feels misheard and misunderstood.

Deflecting and dismissing

Someone is definitely playing mind games when they dismiss your feelings. They will say something upsetting and when you react, you are told you are “Too sensitive”. A healthy, carting person will not like upsetting someone else and make a point not to do it again. A person playing mind games will make a mental note of that weakness and keep it as a weapon to be used in the future to control and manipulate. Another tactic is when you try to talk to your partner about their behaviour or about something you don;t like that they do. Instead of listening and communicating, a person playing mind games will merely deflect the conversation and your concerns with a reply such as ” Well you did the same thing last week and that’s why I do it”. There is no acceptance of responsibility – somehow their behaviour gets blamed on something you have done.

Creating self doubt in another

“What are you doing that for?”, “Why are you thinking like that?” etc. A mind game player will do their best to shake the foundations of your beliefs and ideas about the world. The more confusion and self doubt, the easier it is to influence you.

Emotional blackmail

“If you truly cared, you wouldn’t do it” is an example of emotional blackmail. You are made to feel you do not care enough and in this way they control your behaviour.

Subtle erosion of confidence

Over time, mind game players ‘groom’ you into doubting yourself and this undermines confidence. They may also throw in comments like, “You are lucky to have me, no one else will love you like I do” or “You on’t find someone else to love you”. Instead of bringing out the best in you, they chip away at your confidence to keep you feeling unworthy. As a result, you will be less likely to leave the relationship.

If you think you are experiencing mind games in your relationship, you probably are. Second guessing yourself is common in relationships where mind games are rife. Learn to recognise the types of mind games and don’t play the game.

Mandy X