Tag Archives: rejection

Life sucks sometimes

sad woman photo

 

Life sucks sometimes

It’s a fact, life sucks sometimes. People come into your life and steal your heart and then leave just as quickly as they entered.It’s hard to open up again and take the risk of letting someone else in. Should you trust them with your fragile feelings? I guess life is a risk and you can protect yourself forever or you can be brave and try to let love back in again. Life sucks for various reasons not just due to fading relationships.

I am writing this as it is close to my heart and I like to use this blog to write about all sorts of things. My own life serves as inspiration for blog posts, especially when I know there are many others experiencing similar things. I try to use hard times to learn and apply my professional experience to heal. I use this to help others if I can and to support my clients going through similar things. No one is immune to life, no matter how much ‘wisdom’ and/or knowledge you have.

Being rejected for something you have no control over is tough. He loved me until I told him I had health issues and that was that. He hung in but not for too long. Heart break central! His loss…

You have to believe that things happen for a reason. Being philosophical can be a blessing in life. Some things are beyond our control – like the feelings and thoughts of other people.

What needs to happen – focus on yourself, the only thing you can control. Make the most of yourself, never put yourself down and know that you are special whether someone else recognises it or not. Don’t allow your value and self worth to be wrapped up in the validation from others. Easier said than done but work on loving who you are. Someone who doesn’t want to be with you doesn’t deserve you in the first place. A broken relationship leaves you free to find the person who will love you, warts and all.

Well, that’s what I tell myself and it seems to work most of the time! Life sucks but always remember it won’t (thankfully) stay that way. Visualise yourself in the future, happy and carefree again. Each day, every second – you are closer to that happier place!

Mandy X

Thoughts on rebound relationships

 

broken heart photo

Thoughts on rebound relationships

Are rebound relationships a good thing or a bad thing? Can they work? Rational thinking would dictate that it is probably best to leave some space between the end of one relationship and the beginning of a new relationship. My thoughts on rebound relationships are that they can work under some circumstances but there is a higher majority of rebound relationships that don’t work out.

The reason for rebound relationships not working out are varied but the main reason is that the relationship starts in a dysfunctional place. Emotions aren’t neutral and one partner (or both) will be looking to fill a void. In essence they choose someone out of need rather than because they really want the relationship for the right reasons. A sense of urgency develops and needs can be compromised, standards lowered in order to meet urgent emotional voids left by the previous relationship.

When we act on emotional urges we tend to use different parts of our brain (the emotional part – amygdala and hippocampus) and we rationalise in a different way. What may seem a good idea to the emotional brain may not be such a good idea to the rational, healthy mind a few month’s down the line.

Of course, rebound relationships can take away some of the pain of a previous relationship breakup and focus our attention somewhere else. As a counsellor, I have seen people do this, only to end up back in therapy because they haven’t dealt with their underlying issues – looking for another person to fix them rather than them taking the time out to fix themselves and get into a better place emotionally.

It is always a good idea to ‘reset’ your emotional and healthy reasoning mind back to zero, so to speak. With a rebound relationship, nothing is reset and it can be likened to a train starting off from the station without being on the rails properly. A rebound relationship can be a plaster for unresolved trauma and pain.

I know someone who lost his wife eighteen months ago. He hadn’t fully grieved her loss but was emotionally needy and sought out relationships very quickly. He inadvertently wanted his new partners to be similar to his wife and was unable to tolerate differences between their behaviour and his ex-wife’s behaviour. A clear sign that he was not fully over the loss. No one can take the place of another and only by resetting our emotional state (by self exploration and some time out) can we be ready to accept a new person – good and bad.

Rebound relationships can however help someone to move on quicker, perhaps not necessarily in the healthiest way but it can speed up the length of time that one feels heartache. There will always be a danger though that the emotional connection in the rebound realtionship is damaged due to all the emotional baggage that has come into the relationship. Emotional detachment may exist. Comparisons tend to be stronger between the current partner and ex partner in rebound relationships and thinking and emotions may be distorted.

train photo

Where possible, get the train ‘back on the tracks’ in the station before leaving again for a new destination. Some people can do this fairly quickly and enter into a new relationship with robust stability. Each situation is different but the most important aspect is to work at feeling stable emotionally before starting something new.

Mandy X

 

 

Why setting goals is a good thing

 

goals photo

Why setting goals is a good thing

When you set goals and work towards them you place yourself in the minority of people that ‘do’ instead of just talking. Everyone wants to be successful and progress but many aren’t prepared to make the effort. Actions, not words are key to attaining goals.

Setting goals show that you are taking responsibility for your life. You are putting objectives in place instead of hoping they will appear or that someone else might give them to you. People who don’t set goals tend not to take responsibility for themselves and often don’t end up achieving the things they want to.

Setting goals for yourself also shows that you are willing to take risks and that you believe enough in yourself to give it a go. I have found that many clients who find it hard to set goals are often the ones who feel unworthy.

Realising the importance of goals is another good motivator. If more people knew and understood that their hopes, dreams and plans, all their aspirations and ambitions, are dependent upon their ability and their willingness to set goals, far more people would create goals for themselves. Many people chug along with no goals and no sense of purpose and this can increase levels of depression and anxiety.

Setting goals shows that you are willing to take risks and see what happens. We all fear failure and rejection but when we try,and even if we fail, we often realise that we cope far better than we thought we would and that in itself can improve our confidence and self efficacy.

We also fear criticism from others but you know what, you don’t have to tell anyone about your goals. Only if you want to. When you set goals you help yourself to conquer fear. Instead of allowing your thoughts to create fear of things that might not even happen, setting goals shows you are committed to finding a better life for yourself, showing that you aren’t prepared to settle out of fear. It’s impossible to succeed without failing.

Set yourself a few goals – they can be small or big, short term or long term but they will give you a sense of purpose and improve mental resilience for smaller set backs as you can comfort yourself knowing you still have your ultimate direction to aspire to. Goals add perspective.

Mandy X

highway of life

The Highway of life

the highway of love

The Highway of life

Travelling the world is one of my favourite things to do. I love experiencing new cultures, different ways of living/doing things and find that travelling opens my mind to the variety of experiences available to us in this world. There are many similarities between travelling the physical world and travelling the emotional inner landscape that we all experience.

Emotions

I couldn’t find an image to accurately represent my idea so I drew my own one – please excuse the crude representation but it does the job. ūüôā When we venture out of our comfort zone and get onto the highway of life, we gain access to all sorts of experiences. Good, bad and downright ugly – they are all there waiting to be explored. There will be some places/emotions that we will wish we hadn’t visited – that curry in Delhi that made me ill could well be likened to visiting the place of rejection. Not great but a lesson emerges each time: don’t eat curry at that restaurant again or don’t ask that particular person for a favour again. Each time, whether the experience is joyous or disastrous, we will be more experienced for it. We also learn something about how ourselves – how we deal with the experiences we go through.

Perspective on life experiences make all the difference

Experiences don’t have to break us if we see them in the right perspective and never personalise an experience as being all our fault. For example, travel along the highway of life and sooner or later you will arrive in the place called “Failure”. A crappy little town that leave many in a state of panic. When you look at failure as a lesson, a way not to do something in the future rather than seeing yourself as a failure, the crappy little town loses it’s influence.

Your true potential

Many mistakenly believe that if they avoid the highway of life (stay single, never venture out, take the humdrum job, never take a risk…) that they will lead a safer life. It might be safer on some levels but you will never blossom. How can you know what you are truly capable of, what your full potential is, if you never get stuck in? Getting on to the highway of life takes a little bravery but you will be amongst many others visiting the emotional towns and cities of life.

At any one time on any given day there will be hoards visiting each of the ’emotional towns’ listed in my drawing above. You can draw your own highway – the most important thing is that you are experiencing all the emotions. Instead of resisting, accept that life has it’s ups and downs, it’s fun and shitty towns (did you see what I did there?? ¬†ūüėČ ¬† )

Welcome to the human race, the ebbs and flows, the highs and lows. Yep – it’s called Life.

 

Mandy X

highway  photo

 

5 Things You Could Stop Worrying About

worrying photo

5 Things You Could Stop Worrying About

I like to think of worrying as unnecessary mental torture. We experience something like 50 000 thoughts per day (some estimate the figure as much higher – around 80 000 thoughts per day) and up to 80% of these thoughts are just random thoughts that do not have a particular purpose, other than to make us fret and raise our blood pressure. One of my favourite sayings about worrying is “worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere”. Many of us mistakenly believe that worrying helps to keep a safe and in control. Now I don’t know about you, but I can think of many times in my own life where I have worried and planned and my expectations have still been s¬†thwarted. It is simply not true that worrying can keep you safe.

Constructive, focused worry is a different story. This is when we make a concerted effort to problem solve and to set goals for ourselves. This post is more about worrying for the sake of worrying. Common examples: “why hasn’t he/she called me back? Is it something I have said?”; “They seem to have the perfect life while mine is falling apart”; “what if I embarrass myself at the party this weekend?”; “What if I end up alone with no one to care for me?”; “What if I get an illness‚Ķ What then?”‚Ķ

The list goes on and so we churn anxiety provoking thoughts around in our minds constantly.Your mindset governs your actions which leads to your results in life. Fill your mind with positive productive thinking and the world around you will start to change.

I have seen so much evidence of how unproductive too much worrying can be. It creates anxiety and tension and can lead to depression, often due to the fact that we buy into our subjective reality. Separate thoughts from reality. Look for the evidence instead of assuming all taking things personally.

Here is a list of common worries that are pretty much futile:

1) What others think of you

This is easier said than done, I know.If you think about it, what difference does it really make? It is impossible to please everybody so get into the habit of pleasing yourself. It is your life not theirs. Accept that there will be people that love you and there will be people that love you less. It’s no big deal. Keep on doing your thing and stay true to who you are instead of trying to change to please others.It rarely works.

2) What ifs

Oh my goodness, when we get into this way of thinking it could be never-ending.The nature of life is precarious-the quicker we accept this the faster we can get on with living our lives instead of trying to predetermine every possible glitch before it has happened. We could all easily get sucked into “what if” thinking that if you find yourself doing this, remind yourself that all possibilities are possible!

Mindfulness is a good way to counteract “what if” thinking. Be in the moment and engage your senses.Really listen, observe, taste, touch and smell your immediate environment. Be as fully present as you can. The more we engage our five senses the less time and minds have to wander off and worry aimlessly.

3) Failure

When we allow the fear of ¬†failure to overwhelm us, it can lead to paralysis.we fear making the wrong decision and end up procrastinating and not making any decisions. We become frightened of life. This is where it is very important to watch your beliefs around failure. What does failure mean to you? A healthy attitude to failure means that you never see yourself as a failure. Perhaps things that you try to not work out, but that’s okay. Life is inherently a trial and error process. Relish the fact that you are on the crazy ‘rollercoaster of life’ and that you are learning as you go.When I fail and I may feel disappointed but I also feel that I have learned something to help me move forward.

4) Rejection

Being rejected can trigger all sorts of fears and insecurities within us. It makes sense then as to why many of us will do anything to avoid being rejected. We naturally assume that we are not good enough but we also need to consider what else is going on and we get rejected. Rejection is unfortunately something that we all experience. It is not true that every person that has ever been rejected is not good enough. I can think of people who seem to have it all and¬†still get rejected. they are beautiful rich and famous and have everybody clamouring for their attention. It is not at all about not being good enough, it is more about incompatibility.It serves no purpose to talk yourself in a downtrodden manner.If you have been rejected, see it as a sign that that person was not meant for you. Be optimistic about the idea that the right person is still out there waiting for you or looking for you. People with high self-esteem tend to deal better with rejection. If you find rejection overwhelming it may be a good idea to work on your self-esteem and learn to love and accept yourself. It’s an odd phenomenon that other people tend to treat you the level that you treat yourself.

5) The Past

Yes, I am going to say it. That old cliche-the past is done and it cannot be changed. Mistakes have been made and there will be regrets but wasting mental energy and looking behind you will not only exhaust you but also leave you feeling emotionally depleted. Use the past as a learning tool and remind yourself that everyone has skeletons in the closet. The power rests with the present moment. Not in the past in neither in the future. Hang on to your fond memories of the past and maintain a sense of humour about it less than fond memories.

 

What we tell ourselves on an ongoing basis, whether it be good or bad, right or wrong reflects not only what we think but also how we feel and act. This can directly influence our results in life. Learn to stop worrying and let stuff go. It takes practise and self awareness but it’s worth the effort.

 

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

 

Mandy X

 

Photo by symphony of love

Photo by Evil Erin

Modern Day Rejection

Modern Media

Modern Media

Modern Day Rejection

Wow, how things have changed. Gone are the days when rejection involved someone not picking up their phone to speak to you…these days there are all types of rejection. The whole landscape has changed and mental health professionals need to adjust and keep up with the changing forms of stress and anxiety that are nor prevalent.

I have seen many clients who complain of technology related stress – not being able to get online, being slowed down at work due to computer √ā¬†failure. Phone hacking, Facebook spying and online √ā¬†bullying…it’s all happening!

I have just checked my Twitter account and there’s over 1 400 people not following me back. I went on to Friend or Follow√ā¬†to see how many people weren’t following me back and 1 400 faces stared out at me. This is the reality of modern day rejection. Of course, I can smile about it and this post is ‘tongue-in-cheek’ but there is something to be said about social media and not feeling popular. This all got me thinking…

When I put something that I think is funny or interesting on Facebook, I wait in anticipation to see who replies and what they say. If only a few people comment or god forbid, no one replies… well that’s just no good at all.

Unrequited Love

When love

When love isn’t returned

It hurts like hell when the person you have fallen for does not feel the same way about you. Unfortunately, it is a common occurrence so what can you do to ease the pain and move forward with your life?

1) Be philosophical

There may be a grander plan for all of us and perhaps, just perhaps, things happen for a reason. It is possible that the person who doesn’t love you back isn’t meant to. There might be another person better suited for you that is still making their way to you.

2) Acceptance

You can’t force another to have feelings that they do not possess. This is impossible. The feelings are either there or they aren’t. You cannot influence, nag or persuade someone that just doesn’t feel the same way you do. It is wasted energy and will only leave you feeling more upset.

3) Focus on what you can control

You control your reactions. You cannot control others. Focus on you and what you can do to pick yourself up again. Distract yourself, go out..do things. Believe that there is a world out there waiting for you to embrace it. We can become obsessed by the object of our desire and become blindsided. Focus elsewhere..open up your mind to opportunities.

4) Watch your inner chatter

Make sure that you are still talking to yourself in a positive manner. Just because someone doesn’t want to be with you does NOT mean that there is something wrong with you. You are great, it’s you and that specific person that don’t fit together. You are still perfect as you are. Talk to yourself in a positive manner. For example “it is their loss because I am great and I have a lot of good qualities to offer” instead of “if they don’t love me, no body will…”

5) Try not to dwell

Think about the future instead of going over the past and how things could have been. Don’t engage in “if only…” talk. Think about the positives of your life without this person. Think about their negative points in order to help you move forward and let go. A chapter may have closed but there will be many more new and exciting chapters if you allow yourself to think of the possibilities that lie ahead.

 

Mandy X

 

Rejection and how to deal with it

Rejection

Rejection

Rejection hurts and no one wants it to happen to them. Yet, I have never met anyone who has not suffered from some form of rejection in their lives. So – it is something that is a part of life and we need to find a healthy way to accept it and move on.

Rejection triggers our inner fears and doubts about ourselves. The trick to facing rejection and not letting it ruin us is down to our attitude to rejection. If we see it as a form of failure it is more likely to affect us negatively than if we see it as a lesson to learn and an opportunity to grow and move forward.

When we value ourselves and like ourselves we possess buffers that carry us through life and make us more resilient to sadness, rejection and failure. We are more able to put these negative experiences into context. When someone rejects us, it helps to remind ourselves that the person doing the rejecting isn’t better than us or superior in any way. Often, we automatically, and mistakenly, assume that if we are rejected by someone that they are somehow superior to us. We feel inferior and begin thinking about how great they are and how useless we are.

It pays to remember that everyone has good and bad characteristics. Someone rejecting you isn’t doing it because they are better than you. They will also have their doubts and fears about themselves. Rather, they are rejecting you for their own personal reasons – these reasons are not facts. They are not written in the ‘book of life’ that states you are not a worthy person.

It is just someone else’s opinion. One person on this entire planet. Of course, if you keep on getting rejected, it may be that your own self esteem isn’t very high and that your thinking is leading you into a ‘self fulfilling prophecy’.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-fulfilling_prophecy

Tips for dealing with rejection:

1) Remind yourself that it is their opinion, Not fact, that has led to rejection. Don’t take it personally.

2) Rejection is a blessing in disguise. Be philosophical about it – now you are free to find someone who adores you and admires your loveliness and brings out the best in you

3) Consider all the reasons they were wrong for you. This helps to move on emotionally. Write a list if it helps.

4) See it as their loss. They obviously did not see how wonderful you really are!

5) Learn from it. Sometimes we receive constructive advice and this can be used to improve upon ourselves. It doesn’t mean we are defective but it is good practise to live and learn.

Rejection does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It just means, together, you weren’t right for each other. It’s okay to feel sad that things haven’t worked out but it’s not okay to blame yourself and look for the faults in yourself. Give yourself some time, believe that things happen for a reason and know that in a while you will be back to enjoying life. Don’t see rejection as confirmation that you aren’t good enough. Instead see it as a natural part of life and learn to love and nurture you.

Mandy X