Tag Archives: self acceptance

Focus on yourself

self focus

Focus on yourself

It’s so easy to focus on the other person in a new relationship. Do they like me? Are they into me? It can become a draining and anxiety producing experience because we can’t control what another person feels or how they behave. This is why you must focus on yourself. All we have control and power over is how we wish to behave and react in a relationship. Focusing too much on the other person is a waste of time. I have been insecure in relationships in the past and it has turned a good relationship into one where I feel on edge. I am not the jealous type but I did tend to worry a lot when in a relationship and look for any sign that they were losing interest.

As you can imagine, this took all the fun out of the relationship. What I should have been doing was enjoying the relationship more and not overthinking and dissecting every small thing the other person did, driving myself crazy in the process.

Where to Put Your Focus

Putting your focus on getting your partner to like you, or constantly trying to figure out if they like you really doesn’t help you in a positive way at all. Instead, put your focus on yourself. Work at your own personal growth and self improvement. Have a lot going on in your life. The richer your own life is, the less bothered you will be if your partner is temporarily less attentive. If they are your whole focus, it will be a much bigger deal when they don’t text enough or show you enough attention. Work on really liking yourself and on finding fulfillment in your own life.  I know it’s much  easier said than done, but that’s what makes all the difference.

Be philosophical and trust the workings on the universe. Trust that things are unfolding as they are meant to. We don’t have much control over anything in this life. You can’t control how someone feels, or when, and if, certain things will happen to you and for you. All you can do is focus on yourself and find a way to be at peace, to accept yourself as you are, and to love who you are.

Mandy X

Choose you

 

self love

Choose you

Let’s get this straight – when you ‘choose you’ you are not being selfish. In fact, you are doing the most natural thing in the world. Most of my clients find it very difficult to pamper and treat themselves. We are conditioned to put ourselves last and for many, thinking about themselves leaves them feeling guilty.

If you don’t look after yourself, how can you be functioning at your best? When we put others first constantly, we can end up run down and exhausted. When we are exhausted and not at our best how can we possibly be the best version of ourselves? We aren’t the best partner we could be nor are we the best possible parent, friend etc

When you put yourself as priority number one, in terms of your health and personal well being, you create a strong foundation from which to operate successfully. It’s common sense.

So make yourself a promise that from today you will schedule in ‘me time’ each week – at least 2-4 hours. Promise yourself too that you will make sure you do something that you enjoy regularly and set up some healthy goals to work towards – short term and long term.

Charity really does start at home – with you!

Mandy X

How to attract a healthy relationship

 

happy healthy relationship

How to attract a healthy relationship

I have had awful relationships in the past. There seems to be a slightly dysfunctional part to me that assists in focusing my ‘relationship radar’ in the wrong direction. I have had relationships with people that have been controlling and abusive – emotionally and mentally. My own needs and wants have been completely unimportant in my pursuit of love and acceptance – and that was my first big mistake.

I have always had to work at my self worth and there have been many times in the past when I have felt grateful for any small amount of affection and love. The reason for this is that I haven’t loved myself enough. I have never felt worthy of love and have felt inherently unloveable.

My messages to myself were that I was lucky to have attention from someone else and that they were doing me a huge favour. Entering a relationship with this type of inner dialogue was bound to lead to an unequal dynamic where I tried too hard and ended up with a complacent partner.

Once I started seeing myself as a valuable person who would be an asset in someone one else’s life I began to feel that I deserved love and attention. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and changing my behaviour in order to attract more healthy relationships. Here is some advice from my own experiences:

  1. See yourself as a ‘prize’. Ensure that you think highly of yourself…always – wear your invisible crown at all times.
  2. Don’t allow a pattern of neglectful behaviour from your partner. Everyone slips up now and then but if there is a lack of respect that continues – you need to nip it in the bud.
  3. Be assertive and ask for what you want. Part of honouring who you are consists of asking for what you need. Don’t expect the other person to automatically know – tell them.
  4. Trust your gut instincts. Sometimes we so desperately want love and begin ignoring the warning signs; Keep your wits about you and don’t ignore warning signs. Your inner wisdom will always try to tell you – tune in to it.
  5. See yourself as an equal in the relationship.
  6. Don’t expect your partner to meet all of your needs – make sure you have a varied and interesting life away from your partner.
  7. Keep your friendships going – they can sometimes last longer than romantic relationships do. Never neglect your friendships.

The more you respect and love yourself, the healthier your relationships will be. Focus on all that is good about you, remind yourself regularly of your strengths. There is someone out there for you who will not expect you to change and will adore you, warts and all.

Mandy X

 

Stop seeing yourself as a victim

victim

 

Stop seeing yourself as a victim

If you want to feel empowered and back in control of your life, it’s a good idea to shift how you see yourself. Do you feel that life ‘happens’ to you and that you have no control over your circumstances? It might be time to re-assess your perception of yourself, your thoughts and your situation.

When we see ourselves as being at the mercy of circumstance, we effectively give up on ourselves and give away our power. Of course, there are circumstances over which we have no control but we can still choose how we think and react to situations.

I feel frustrated when I hear clients resigning themselves to a life of misery because of “what other people have done” to them. They shrug their shoulders and seem to revel in the ‘poor me’ victim role. We can all feel like victims at times and I am all for some self pity – we should be kind and compassionate to ourselves but there should be a time limit to this self defeatist behaviour.

When we take responsibility for where we are in life, we start to feel like goals and dreams are once again possible.

How to stop being a victim

Take repsonsibility for your life. Your past decisions have led you to where you currently in your life. You can make new decisions to change the future path you travel along – you have that choice.

Make decisions and live with the consequences – your decisions, your responsibility.

Cultivate self reliance. The more you trust yourself to deal with life’s challenges the more resilient you will be when the challenges present themselves. Some one who sees themself as a victim believes that others have the control and that their life can only improve when others change – what a disempowering way to live! I wouldn’t want my happiness to depend on the behaviour of other!

Accept that life sucks at times and there are things that happen that are beyond our control. Instead of giving up though, we can keep fighting and believe that we will get through. It’s called self-determinism.

Stop blaming others for where your life is.

The more you blame others, the more you reinforce to yourself that you are weak and powerless.

Ask yourself what steps, no matter how small, you can take to change your life. Start small bt setting yourself little challenges to achieve. This will build confidence.

You are never as helpless as you think. The difference between someone who ends up acting and living like a victim and someone who doesn’t is that the non-victim has self belief. They also never give up hope and believe that they can control some parts of their life – enough to move things around and move forward.

Mandy X

 

Protect your self belief

 

self belief

Protect your self belief

  • No negative self talk
  • Remember no one is perfect
  • Don’t put others on a pedestal, no one is better than you
  • Your opinions and ideas count – express them
  • Be assertive, not passive or aggressive. Being assertive means honouring yourself
  • Never put yourself down especially in front of others
  • Maintain clear boundaries and don’t let anyone treat you with disrespect
  • Everyone deserves a second chance but after two wrongs – they’re out.
  • Play to your strengths and don’t be shy to talk about what you’re good at. Self confidence doesn’t mean you think you are better than others, it just means you are proud of yourself
  • Limit time with toxic people. Find time for those that inspire you

Mandy X

 

What is healthy self esteem?

 

self esteem photo

What is healthy self esteem?

We all tend to place a value on ourselves. Some of us quite like who we are and some of us tend to engage in far more self loathing. I am used to seeing clients feel very uncomfortable receiving a compliment. Why is it that we find it so hard to like and accept ourselves? After all, we have to make the most of who we are as this is what we have to work with for the rest of our lives. We can’t go to the shop and ask for a newer model. So what does it take to have healthy self esteem?

For one thing, self acceptance and liking yourself is a very different concept from thinking you are superior to others. Many people struggle with low self esteem and the main reasons for this are:

  1. Negative messages during childhood eg. you aren’t doing this right, can’t you ever get anything right?, you are fat, lazy etc
  2. Comparing ourselves to others
  3. Buying into the perfection the media show us on a daily basis
  4. Negative beliefs about ourselves (often from childhood)

Healthy self esteem is about thinking about ourselves in a balanced way. It’s okay to acknowledge our weaknesses as no one is perfect but instead of negative self talk (eg I am ugly; I am worthless; I am not good enough), we can say to ourselves: “I may not be perfect but no one is; we all make mistakes.

What we need to accept is that we aren’t perfect but that we can always strive to improve and understand ourselves better. We can recognise our strengths too. Having healthy self esteem doesn’t mean you will never think another negative thought about yourself, it means that you can come up with a rational alternative for a negative thought. If you have done some work on your self esteem, then the situations that are risky for you will be less frequent than before. This means it will take a lot more to ‘set off’ your low self esteem and insecurities.

How to improve your self esteem:

  1. Engage in positive self talk

Speak to yourself as you would a best friend. Never criticise yourself or call yourself names.

2. Challenge old beliefs about yourself that may no longer be valid

Sometimes our parents and significant authority figures in our lives when we are growing up make the mistake of criticising us. We can internalise these negative messages and begin to believe them. These beliefs can be updated and challenged by looking at the source. We are a lot more open to believing others when we are young but as we grow older we can decide whether these negative messages still hold true for us. Normally you will find that they no longer apply and it can also start a process of seeing that our parents have their own issues too and that their negative messages say more about them and their outlook than our actual worth as a person.

3. Focus on your strengths and minimise weaknesses

Acknowledge weaknesses but focus on what you do well.

4. Nurture self belief

Others don’t always know best. Most of us are trying to get through life as best we can – we are all trying to make sense of things. You have as much chance to be seen as an equal when it comes to value. Self belief can take you far in life – make sure you believe in yourself. You can’t afford not to.

Healthy self esteem takes work as we are regularly confronted with situations that bring out our insecurities but we can watch our thoughts and protect how we view ourselves by dismissing the negative thoughts. They are just that – thoughts NOT facts.

Mandy X

Self esteem requires patience

 

self esteem and patience

Self esteem requires patience

We need both time and patience with ourselves to develop high self esteem. If we push ourselves too quickly we may find we end up going backwards instead of forwards. If we don’t allow ourselves room to grow we could end up stagnating rather than renewing and growing into our full potential. When we use time and patience effectively in our lives, we let the passage of time work for us, not against us.

Patience involves making changes at our own pace.Our rates of growth and change vary and we need to learn to grow within a time frame that fits our needs and prsonalities.

To learn patience, it is a good idea to use journals and other similar methods of recording our lives to assess our growth after a period of time, not only on a daily basis. Growth is best seen when reviewed after a few months, six months or even a year.

Patience allows us to heal as part of our growth. Healing involves our physical health as well as our emotional well being. Healing is threefold: mind, body and spirit. If we aren’t feeling emotionally well, our bodies will suffer. If our bodies are out of shape , our emotional outlook may be negatively affected. When we look after ourselves and learn to heal our bodies and minds, we’re in a much better position to ease some of the self defeating characteristics that have affected our levels of self esteem.

How to use healing

To heal effectively we must see ourselves as good people. We must fundamentally like ourselves. The best way to do this is to take time each day for one or two weeks to list at least 5 qualities that we like about ourselves, without repeating a quality from one day to the next. With this exercise, we’re forced to look deep inside ourselves as we think of 5 different qualities each day.

Some of us may need to take extra care of our appearance. This can include better grooming, paying more attention to our clothing or to our exercise regime and diet. We can only do it for ourselves – no one else can do it for us!

Another aid to effective healing is to use meditation instead of medication (where possible).Meditation involves quiet time when we can tune in to our inner wisdom and spiritual forces outside ourselves for guidance. It involves quieting the stresses and anxieties within us so we can let peace and serenity in. When we feel relaxed inside, we’re less likely to seek escape like alcohol and other drugs or compulsive addictive behaviours.

Take an honest look at your negative unhelpful habits and look out for dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. Learn new coping skills to replace these bad habits and take action toward positive change and healing.

Look at yourself in new more positive ways and give yourself time to be human and make mistakes. as long as you are working towards improving on a daily basis, you’re on the right track – cut yourself some slack.
Mandy X

 

7 Ways to improve your self esteem

 

improve self esteem

7 Ways to improve your self esteem

There are three parts to your self concept. Your self ideal – how you would like to be, your self-image, how you actually see yourself, think about yourself as you go about your activities and  your self esteem – how you feel about yourself. This is the emotional part of your self esteem. It is the key to happiness and personal effectiveness.

Your level of self esteem is determined by two factors: the first is how valuable and worthwhile you feel as a person (how much you like and accept yourself) and the second factor is your feeling of self-efficacy. This is how competent and able you feel you are in whatever you do. These two parts reinforce each other – when you feel good about yourself you perform better.

How you feel about yourself is largely determined by how you talk about yourself so it pays to talk to yourself in a positive manner. See yourself as competent and capable and as a likeable person. I even tell clients to repeat loudly “I love myself, I am wonderful”. They laugh and it feels awkward at first but it does work! Liking yourself is healthy.

Everything you believe about yourself today is learned – it is a perception, it isn’t fact. We come into the world without a self concept and we learn about ourselves by how others treat us and by life experiences.

The biggest hurdle in life to us all is fear. Fear robs us of happiness and opportunity. We try to stay safe in our comfort zone. The more you like yourself, the more likely you are to take actions that propel you out of your comfort zone.

  1. Visualise

Get in the habit of visualising positive outcomes, see it and feel it in your mind’s eye. Repeat these visualisations regularly. Immerse yourself in it, think about it often. Create a visualisation board – put together images of how you want your life to be and look at the images regularly.

2. Affirmations

Programme yourself by regularly repeating positive affirming statements such as “Everything is unfolding as it should.” or “I am safe and loved”. Write them on post-it notes and leave them around your home so that you ‘programme’ yourself regularly.

3. Verbalisation

Say the affirmations out loud. Hear the positive words. “I can do it”. Also, when you insist to others that you can or will do something it has a powerful impact on your thinking and behaviour.

4. Act the part

Walk, talk and act exactly as you would if you were already the person you’d want to be – more confident or more self assured. How would you sit and stand? Think about a celebrity or family member you admire and respect and copy their behaviour if it helps.

5. Feed your mind

Read books and magazines consistent with the direction you want to go in.

6. Associate with positive people

Seeking out inspiring people will help you to make the most of yourself and see things in a positive manner.  A very uplifting experience.

7. Teach others

You become what you teach. Forget what you were in the past, discard past labels, work towards living and being the person you want to be.

You will become what you think about most of the time.

Mandy X