Tag Archives: self confidence

Get self respect FAST

 

happy person photo

Photo by FootMassagez

 

Get self respect FAST

When you have self respect, you treat yourself well and you expect others to treat you well too. It’s a win-win situation, a no-brainer. So why is it that so many of us seem to lack self respect? When we listen to others too much and we don’t believe in ourselves enough, our self respect can wane. Here are a few ideas to keep you on track and to remind you to strengthen your resolve to be good to yourself and to have clear boundaries as to what you will and won’t accept from others.

Fair

Be fair, not only to others but especially to yourself. Show yourself compassion and talk to yourself in a positive manner. Be your number one fan. Learn to like yourself.

Apologies

Don’t apologise unnecessarily. If it’s warranted, apologise by all means but don’t make a habit of constantly saying sorry. This sends a message that you aren’t as worthy as others and that you need to make excuses for yourself. Often we don’t need to explain ourselves but we go into ‘people-pleasing’ zone. This can erode self respect. Learn to see yourself as worthy and as valuable as any one else. Have an opinion and don’t be afraid to say what that is. Be bold, brave and confident.

Stick to Values

Never compromise your values just to be liked or to get what you want. Stand up for what you believe in. Decide what your values are and use them to guide you. Use your values to create goals. Purpose adds to self respect.

Truthful

Avoid dishonesty such as exaggeration or acting helpless as a form of manipulation. Be assertive enough to be truthful about who you are. The more you present yourself as you truly are, the more confidence you will have in yourself. When we try to be someone other than who we are, we are basically telling ourselves that we aren’t good enough. Be proud of yourself, quirks, faults and all. The more you stay true to yourself, the more you will realise how accepting others actually are.

Self respect is all about treating yourself well and not allowing others to mistreat you either. It is made up of a healthy dollop of self esteem. Like yourself, “act as if” if you don’t always feel confident. Behaving in a confident way can actually lead to it becoming a more natural state of behaving over time. You owe it to yourself to make the most of your life.

Mandy X

Why self love is vital

self love photo

Why self love is vital

I know the ‘self love bandwagon’ has been through here many times before but it is such an important concept that I feel I need to keep banging on about it. I know why self love is vital and this is because I never used to like myself very much.

I grew up with parents who didn’t really see the merits in having children. I was a nuisance and a liability and I received many negative messages during my upbringing. Undoing messages from parents takes some time and I have spent hours in therapy re-programming my ‘unhealthy wiring’. I can honestly say that the more I have liked myself and acted in accordance with this newfound self respect, the more things have changed for the better in my life.

When you reduce the negative self talk and stop criticising yourself, amazing things start happening. It’s difficult to explain but I can assure you that when you treat yourself  in a kinder fashion, others do too.

I stopped the negative self talk and decided to try looking for things that I did like about myself. At first, it seemed odd and fake but I persisted with it. Self love is vital if you want to get the best out of yourself. When you think you are worthy, others tend to agree. No one is there asking to see your certificate of worthiness, they just accept you as you are.

We give off many signals through our body language and if our thinking is negative, our body language tends to match this. When you open up your body language, talk to yourself as you would to a best friend, your energy changes. This may sound like psycho-babble but if you try it you will see an immediate difference. When you act as if you are confident, you see an immediate difference. It may take a while for the brain to accept your new thinking but in the mean time act as if you are supremely confident and as if you really feel happy in your own skin.

Regularly remind yourself of all the good things about you – do you have a good sense of humour? Are you a good friend, parent, partner? Are you kind, tolerant? Build up that list of all that you like about you and be able to recite it easily and at will. I am always amazed at how so few of my clients can tell me what they like about themselves.

I ask them to give me 5 things they like about themselves. This is usually followed by an uncomfortable silence, some squirming and then perhaps one thing that they can think. Not good enough. Get into the habit of being able to say 5 things in quick succession. This shows a person who thinks of themselves in positive terms. Get into this habit!

I am always looking for ways to improve my positive regard towards myself and recently read a brilliant book that I highly recommend: Please see below

Mandy X

 


http://www.heartsintrueharmony.com/catalog/learningtoloveyourself.html

Photo by h.koppdelaney

Thoughts on core beliefs

 

core beliefs

Thoughts on core beliefs

We all look at the world differently but it is easy to believe that others see things the same way we do. Two people can have the same experience but come away from that with a very different reaction/thought process. We all interpret the world differently according to our upbringings, genetics and past experiences.

Core beliefs are deeply held beliefs that can be hard to shake. Often, they are dysfunctional and inaccurate. For example – someone who was constantly told as a child that they are worthless will most likely internalise that and make that part of their identity, believing themselves to be worthless. Think of core beliefs like a pair of sunglasses – a kind of filter that we see the world through. We are more atuned to pick up on things around us that confirm our core beliefs and will reject or not notice things that don’t confirm our core beliefs. Events that happen that prove a person isn’t worthless may be dismissed as it doesn’t fit. This is how core beliefs can limit us unnecessarily.

How core beliefs can limit us:

Situation: You meet a new person and think about asking them to go for coffee.

Core belief – I’m not worthy = Consequence: Why would they go out with me? Don’t ask them for coffee

Core belief – I am worthy = Consequence: We might have fun if we go out together. Asks the person to go for coffee.

Many people have negative core beliefs that cause harmful consequences and limit their opportunities. They hold on to self limiting beliefs without realising it.

To begin challenging your core beliefs, you first need to identify what they are. Here are some common examples:

I am unworthy; I am  unloveable; I am unworthy; I’m ugly; I’m undeserving; I’m a bad person; I’m stupid…

What is one of your core beliefs? _______________________

List three pieces of evidence contrary to your belief_____________

Beliefs can be changed, that’s the good news. Some beliefs are old, outdated and just not true. Do a stock-take on your core beliefs and make sure you have core beliefs that support and empower you.

Mandy X

What is healthy self esteem?

 

self esteem photo

What is healthy self esteem?

We all tend to place a value on ourselves. Some of us quite like who we are and some of us tend to engage in far more self loathing. I am used to seeing clients feel very uncomfortable receiving a compliment. Why is it that we find it so hard to like and accept ourselves? After all, we have to make the most of who we are as this is what we have to work with for the rest of our lives. We can’t go to the shop and ask for a newer model. So what does it take to have healthy self esteem?

For one thing, self acceptance and liking yourself is a very different concept from thinking you are superior to others. Many people struggle with low self esteem and the main reasons for this are:

  1. Negative messages during childhood eg. you aren’t doing this right, can’t you ever get anything right?, you are fat, lazy etc
  2. Comparing ourselves to others
  3. Buying into the perfection the media show us on a daily basis
  4. Negative beliefs about ourselves (often from childhood)

Healthy self esteem is about thinking about ourselves in a balanced way. It’s okay to acknowledge our weaknesses as no one is perfect but instead of negative self talk (eg I am ugly; I am worthless; I am not good enough), we can say to ourselves: “I may not be perfect but no one is; we all make mistakes.

What we need to accept is that we aren’t perfect but that we can always strive to improve and understand ourselves better. We can recognise our strengths too. Having healthy self esteem doesn’t mean you will never think another negative thought about yourself, it means that you can come up with a rational alternative for a negative thought. If you have done some work on your self esteem, then the situations that are risky for you will be less frequent than before. This means it will take a lot more to ‘set off’ your low self esteem and insecurities.

How to improve your self esteem:

  1. Engage in positive self talk

Speak to yourself as you would a best friend. Never criticise yourself or call yourself names.

2. Challenge old beliefs about yourself that may no longer be valid

Sometimes our parents and significant authority figures in our lives when we are growing up make the mistake of criticising us. We can internalise these negative messages and begin to believe them. These beliefs can be updated and challenged by looking at the source. We are a lot more open to believing others when we are young but as we grow older we can decide whether these negative messages still hold true for us. Normally you will find that they no longer apply and it can also start a process of seeing that our parents have their own issues too and that their negative messages say more about them and their outlook than our actual worth as a person.

3. Focus on your strengths and minimise weaknesses

Acknowledge weaknesses but focus on what you do well.

4. Nurture self belief

Others don’t always know best. Most of us are trying to get through life as best we can – we are all trying to make sense of things. You have as much chance to be seen as an equal when it comes to value. Self belief can take you far in life – make sure you believe in yourself. You can’t afford not to.

Healthy self esteem takes work as we are regularly confronted with situations that bring out our insecurities but we can watch our thoughts and protect how we view ourselves by dismissing the negative thoughts. They are just that – thoughts NOT facts.

Mandy X