Tag Archives: self love

Be your number one fan

fan photo

Be your number one fan

If you don’t like and love yourself, you’ll find that others like you less too. It’s an energy thing – we pick up on each other’s vibes and can usually tell how comfortable someone is on their own skin. The more at ease someone is with themselves, the more likeable and charismatic they tend to be. You need to be your number one fan and the way I see it, we don’t have much choice in the matter. Either you find a way to like the ‘you’ you have been given to live with or you don’t. Which one do you think is going to lead to a happier life? Why waste energy not liking yourself?

So, make a choice to get comfy with who you are. Sure we can all improve upon ourselves but work on self acceptance in the meantime. Like who you are and what you see when you look in the mirror.

Live according to your values, only speak positively to yourself and make the most of what you have rather than comparing yourself unfavourably to others. If you can do those three things you will be on the way to living out your full potential. It makes sense to try to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be and to treat yourself well. Self compassion is underrated. Those that are at peace with themselves tend to emit positive happy energy to others. They don’t keep score and their inner contentment leaves them with no need to project bitterness and hate onto others.

Learn to be your number one fan, you;ll be amazed at how this can transform your attitude and your life.

Mandy X

 

How to increase self belief

 

confidence photo

How to increase self belief

If you want to know how to increase self belief – listen up. This may be the most important information you’ll ever read. I have accomplished so much more in my life by working on my self belief. It’s a constant effort and I have to work on it daily but the results are worth it. Here are my top tips on how to become your own number one fan:

Understand that if you don’t believe in yourself, very few other people will. When you give off confidence and self acceptance, others don’t tend to question this. In fact, they will be more drawn to you. Confident people make others feel safe and they act as magnets socially. People like confidence. They won’t question your right to be so confident – they will just see someone who really seems to like themselves and that’s immensely attractive.

There are many things in life that can decrease our self belief and that is why it is a repetitive effort to keep the self belief alive. Social media, like Facebook and Instagram don’t help self belief at all. The more we think we are missing out and don’t have much as others, the more unhappy we become and the less self belief we have. Beware the perils of spending too much time on social media. If you do – remember that a lot of what you see is exaggerated and isn’t reality. Others put on a ‘show’ but real life is seldom as glamorous as they’d like you to believe.

Practise gratitude

Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, make sure you look at what is good in your life. There are always things to be grateful for but the way the world is structured leads us to constantly compare. Making comparisons inevitably leads to a sense of deprivation and feelings of inadequacy. Stop doing it! Be appreciative of what you do have and what works well for you. Focus on this regularly and if necessary – make a list that you can read regularly of all the things you love and appreciate in yourself and your life.

Validate yourself

We all like external validation. When others tell us we look great or that we have done a good job, it’s very satisfying. The trick is to NEVER rely on this external validation as a way to increase self belief. Make sure that you give yourself validation. Regularly talk to yourself in a positive and empowering manner. Tell yourself that you are wonderful and amazing. Focus often on all your fantastic characteristics – are you funny, kind, patient? Remind yourself of all your good qualities. Clients often (mistakenly) tell me that they think this is arrogance. Arrogance is thinking you are better than others. Confidence is liking and accepting yourself and making the best of you.

Maximise strengths, minimise weaknesses

No one is perfect and we can’t be good at everything. Get to know yourself well and know what you are good at. Work to increase your strengths and use them in your life. There is not point in doing something that exposes all your weaknesses and none of your strengths. Play to your strengths and remind yourself of all the good things you have achieved in your life. What have your successes been?

Positive attitude to failure

Never see yourself as a failure. Perhaps something you have done didn’t work out but always separate actions from yourself as a person – they are two different things. Define failure – to me, failure is completely giving up. Someone who tries and fails one hundred times is not a failure – they are a learner of life.

Keep the faith

There have been seriously dark times for me when I have felt rejected and feel I have failed at life. Times of extreme loneliness when I felt that I was worthless. This is normal and you can’t possibly feel 100% confident all of the time. What you need to do though during the dark times of self doubt is sit tight and keep the faith. Remind yourself that you are still the same amazing person and although you don’t quite feel connected to that confident part of you – it’s still there.

Life will move on and your light will shine again. Never stop believing in yourself even when you feel the world has. Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Choose your thoughts carefully and be kind to yourself.

Practise self compassion

Always always be kind to yourself. That means – no critical self talk. Be caring towards yourself as you would someone you loved dearly. Imagine yourself as that cute little 5 year old child – how would you talk to your 5 year old self? You would cuddle them and tell them things will improve. You would encourage them and tell them they are brilliant.

Create goals

Make sure you have some goals, something to work towards. When we have goals in place it creates structure and purpose in our lives and helps boost us psychologically. Put together a list of goals for yourself that are:

Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Measurable and time bound (SMART goals)

When you have self belief you are far more likely to be successful. Your thinking will spur you on. Research has proven time and time again that when we are positive and focus on our strengths and nurture our self belief, we get more done. Believing is half the battle!

Mandy X

 

 

 

Focus on yourself

self focus

Focus on yourself

It’s so easy to focus on the other person in a new relationship. Do they like me? Are they into me? It can become a draining and anxiety producing experience because we can’t control what another person feels or how they behave. This is why you must focus on yourself. All we have control and power over is how we wish to behave and react in a relationship. Focusing too much on the other person is a waste of time. I have been insecure in relationships in the past and it has turned a good relationship into one where I feel on edge. I am not the jealous type but I did tend to worry a lot when in a relationship and look for any sign that they were losing interest.

As you can imagine, this took all the fun out of the relationship. What I should have been doing was enjoying the relationship more and not overthinking and dissecting every small thing the other person did, driving myself crazy in the process.

Where to Put Your Focus

Putting your focus on getting your partner to like you, or constantly trying to figure out if they like you really doesn’t help you in a positive way at all. Instead, put your focus on yourself. Work at your own personal growth and self improvement. Have a lot going on in your life. The richer your own life is, the less bothered you will be if your partner is temporarily less attentive. If they are your whole focus, it will be a much bigger deal when they don’t text enough or show you enough attention. Work on really liking yourself and on finding fulfillment in your own life.  I know it’s much  easier said than done, but that’s what makes all the difference.

Be philosophical and trust the workings on the universe. Trust that things are unfolding as they are meant to. We don’t have much control over anything in this life. You can’t control how someone feels, or when, and if, certain things will happen to you and for you. All you can do is focus on yourself and find a way to be at peace, to accept yourself as you are, and to love who you are.

Mandy X

How to deal with a confidence crisis

 

confidence crisis

 

How to deal with a confidence crisis

Confidence is a dynamic concept and it varies throughout our lives. Usually there will be a trigger that strips our confidence away. If we aren’t able to nip this in the bud, a full confidence crisis can ensue where we are so focused on what it is that we perceive are our shortcomings…that in the end our insecurities become all we can see.

Here are a few tips to help overcome and deal with a confidence crisis:

  1. Get out of your head

Once we focus on our perceived shortcomings, we tend to spiral downwards. Remind yourself that your thinking is probably distorted and not entirely realistic. We tend to be our own worst critics. Instead, remind yourself that thoughts aren’t facts and don’t allow yourself to dwell on negative thoughts about yourself. If you catch yourself being self focused, make an effort to distract yourself.

2. Have clear goals

Know what you are good at and know where you are headed in life. Having that commitment to ourselves and our goals can help us to stay strong when our foundations get shaken. Regularly remind yourself of all that you are proud of and why you think you are a lovely person – whether it’s the way you make a cake, drive a car, your sense of humour or your kindness…never stop letting yourself know why you are special and why you deserve love and to be cherished.

3. Don’t compare

It’s so tempting to compare ourselves to others and we all do it but it is probably one of the most destructive things we can do. We very rarely come out ‘on top’ when we do that. Accept that we are all different and we all have different priorities. Love your own priorities even they seem different to other people’s. Embrace your differences rather than seeing them as inferior.

4.Evaluate your triggers

Figure out what is causing your confidence crisis and decide whether something can be done about it. Is it a specific relationship causing your confidence crisis? Is it a job, a situation? You will usually have three options – change, accept or let go. If you can change it then get stuck in – have that conversation, don;t let things get out of hand. The less assertive we are, the worse the situation will become. Often, we turn a blind eye and hope that the situation will resolve itself but it rarely does. It will often take an active and assertive intervention. If you feel unwilling or unable to make changes then you need to learn to accept the way it makes you feel or learn to let it go – whichever is applicable.

Face your triggers head on, part of approaching the problem will lead to an increase in confidence. When we do something actively to sort our troubles out, we often feel empowered. Believe in yourself.

5. Trust your instincts

All too often we lack the self belief and self doubt gets the better of us. When in the throes of a confidence crisis we may find it even harder to approach the problem and fix it. A confidence crisis never lasts thankfully, and you will get back up again and feel stronger.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself, don’t criticise yourself and never allow someone else to make you feel inferior.No one is perfect and if some one else is somehow leading to your confidence crisis, make sure you keep perspective. You are wonderfully and unique and don’t let anyone else ever lead you to believe otherwise!

Mandy X

 

 

How to attract a healthy relationship

 

happy healthy relationship

How to attract a healthy relationship

I have had awful relationships in the past. There seems to be a slightly dysfunctional part to me that assists in focusing my ‘relationship radar’ in the wrong direction. I have had relationships with people that have been controlling and abusive – emotionally and mentally. My own needs and wants have been completely unimportant in my pursuit of love and acceptance – and that was my first big mistake.

I have always had to work at my self worth and there have been many times in the past when I have felt grateful for any small amount of affection and love. The reason for this is that I haven’t loved myself enough. I have never felt worthy of love and have felt inherently unloveable.

My messages to myself were that I was lucky to have attention from someone else and that they were doing me a huge favour. Entering a relationship with this type of inner dialogue was bound to lead to an unequal dynamic where I tried too hard and ended up with a complacent partner.

Once I started seeing myself as a valuable person who would be an asset in someone one else’s life I began to feel that I deserved love and attention. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and changing my behaviour in order to attract more healthy relationships. Here is some advice from my own experiences:

  1. See yourself as a ‘prize’. Ensure that you think highly of yourself…always – wear your invisible crown at all times.
  2. Don’t allow a pattern of neglectful behaviour from your partner. Everyone slips up now and then but if there is a lack of respect that continues – you need to nip it in the bud.
  3. Be assertive and ask for what you want. Part of honouring who you are consists of asking for what you need. Don’t expect the other person to automatically know – tell them.
  4. Trust your gut instincts. Sometimes we so desperately want love and begin ignoring the warning signs; Keep your wits about you and don’t ignore warning signs. Your inner wisdom will always try to tell you – tune in to it.
  5. See yourself as an equal in the relationship.
  6. Don’t expect your partner to meet all of your needs – make sure you have a varied and interesting life away from your partner.
  7. Keep your friendships going – they can sometimes last longer than romantic relationships do. Never neglect your friendships.

The more you respect and love yourself, the healthier your relationships will be. Focus on all that is good about you, remind yourself regularly of your strengths. There is someone out there for you who will not expect you to change and will adore you, warts and all.

Mandy X

 

Stop seeing yourself as a victim

victim

 

Stop seeing yourself as a victim

If you want to feel empowered and back in control of your life, it’s a good idea to shift how you see yourself. Do you feel that life ‘happens’ to you and that you have no control over your circumstances? It might be time to re-assess your perception of yourself, your thoughts and your situation.

When we see ourselves as being at the mercy of circumstance, we effectively give up on ourselves and give away our power. Of course, there are circumstances over which we have no control but we can still choose how we think and react to situations.

I feel frustrated when I hear clients resigning themselves to a life of misery because of “what other people have done” to them. They shrug their shoulders and seem to revel in the ‘poor me’ victim role. We can all feel like victims at times and I am all for some self pity – we should be kind and compassionate to ourselves but there should be a time limit to this self defeatist behaviour.

When we take responsibility for where we are in life, we start to feel like goals and dreams are once again possible.

How to stop being a victim

Take repsonsibility for your life. Your past decisions have led you to where you currently in your life. You can make new decisions to change the future path you travel along – you have that choice.

Make decisions and live with the consequences – your decisions, your responsibility.

Cultivate self reliance. The more you trust yourself to deal with life’s challenges the more resilient you will be when the challenges present themselves. Some one who sees themself as a victim believes that others have the control and that their life can only improve when others change – what a disempowering way to live! I wouldn’t want my happiness to depend on the behaviour of other!

Accept that life sucks at times and there are things that happen that are beyond our control. Instead of giving up though, we can keep fighting and believe that we will get through. It’s called self-determinism.

Stop blaming others for where your life is.

The more you blame others, the more you reinforce to yourself that you are weak and powerless.

Ask yourself what steps, no matter how small, you can take to change your life. Start small bt setting yourself little challenges to achieve. This will build confidence.

You are never as helpless as you think. The difference between someone who ends up acting and living like a victim and someone who doesn’t is that the non-victim has self belief. They also never give up hope and believe that they can control some parts of their life – enough to move things around and move forward.

Mandy X

 

Protect your self belief

 

self belief

Protect your self belief

  • No negative self talk
  • Remember no one is perfect
  • Don’t put others on a pedestal, no one is better than you
  • Your opinions and ideas count – express them
  • Be assertive, not passive or aggressive. Being assertive means honouring yourself
  • Never put yourself down especially in front of others
  • Maintain clear boundaries and don’t let anyone treat you with disrespect
  • Everyone deserves a second chance but after two wrongs – they’re out.
  • Play to your strengths and don’t be shy to talk about what you’re good at. Self confidence doesn’t mean you think you are better than others, it just means you are proud of yourself
  • Limit time with toxic people. Find time for those that inspire you

Mandy X

 

Self esteem requires patience

 

self esteem and patience

Self esteem requires patience

We need both time and patience with ourselves to develop high self esteem. If we push ourselves too quickly we may find we end up going backwards instead of forwards. If we don’t allow ourselves room to grow we could end up stagnating rather than renewing and growing into our full potential. When we use time and patience effectively in our lives, we let the passage of time work for us, not against us.

Patience involves making changes at our own pace.Our rates of growth and change vary and we need to learn to grow within a time frame that fits our needs and prsonalities.

To learn patience, it is a good idea to use journals and other similar methods of recording our lives to assess our growth after a period of time, not only on a daily basis. Growth is best seen when reviewed after a few months, six months or even a year.

Patience allows us to heal as part of our growth. Healing involves our physical health as well as our emotional well being. Healing is threefold: mind, body and spirit. If we aren’t feeling emotionally well, our bodies will suffer. If our bodies are out of shape , our emotional outlook may be negatively affected. When we look after ourselves and learn to heal our bodies and minds, we’re in a much better position to ease some of the self defeating characteristics that have affected our levels of self esteem.

How to use healing

To heal effectively we must see ourselves as good people. We must fundamentally like ourselves. The best way to do this is to take time each day for one or two weeks to list at least 5 qualities that we like about ourselves, without repeating a quality from one day to the next. With this exercise, we’re forced to look deep inside ourselves as we think of 5 different qualities each day.

Some of us may need to take extra care of our appearance. This can include better grooming, paying more attention to our clothing or to our exercise regime and diet. We can only do it for ourselves – no one else can do it for us!

Another aid to effective healing is to use meditation instead of medication (where possible).Meditation involves quiet time when we can tune in to our inner wisdom and spiritual forces outside ourselves for guidance. It involves quieting the stresses and anxieties within us so we can let peace and serenity in. When we feel relaxed inside, we’re less likely to seek escape like alcohol and other drugs or compulsive addictive behaviours.

Take an honest look at your negative unhelpful habits and look out for dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. Learn new coping skills to replace these bad habits and take action toward positive change and healing.

Look at yourself in new more positive ways and give yourself time to be human and make mistakes. as long as you are working towards improving on a daily basis, you’re on the right track – cut yourself some slack.
Mandy X