Tag Archives: self love

Focus on yourself

self focus

Focus on yourself

It’s so easy to focus on the other person in a new relationship. Do they like me? Are they into me? It can become a draining and anxiety producing experience because we can’t control what another person feels or how they behave. This is why you must focus on yourself. All we have control and power over is how we wish to behave and react in a relationship. Focusing too much on the other person is a waste of time. I have been insecure in relationships in the past and it has turned a good relationship into one where I feel on edge. I am not the jealous type but I did tend to worry a lot when in a relationship and look for any sign that they were losing interest.

As you can imagine, this took all the fun out of the relationship. What I should have been doing was enjoying the relationship more and not overthinking and dissecting every small thing the other person did, driving myself crazy in the process.

Where to Put Your Focus

Putting your focus on getting your partner to like you, or constantly trying to figure out if they like you really doesn’t help you in a positive way at all. Instead, put your focus on yourself. Work at your own personal growth and self improvement. Have a lot going on in your life. The richer your own life is, the less bothered you will be if your partner is temporarily less attentive. If they are your whole focus, it will be a much bigger deal when they don’t text enough or show you enough attention. Work on really liking yourself and on finding fulfillment in your own life.  I know it’s much  easier said than done, but that’s what makes all the difference.

Be philosophical and trust the workings on the universe. Trust that things are unfolding as they are meant to. We don’t have much control over anything in this life. You can’t control how someone feels, or when, and if, certain things will happen to you and for you. All you can do is focus on yourself and find a way to be at peace, to accept yourself as you are, and to love who you are.

Mandy X

How to deal with a confidence crisis

 

confidence crisis

 

How to deal with a confidence crisis

Confidence is a dynamic concept and it varies throughout our lives. Usually there will be a trigger that strips our confidence away. If we aren’t able to nip this in the bud, a full confidence crisis can ensue where we are so focused on what it is that we perceive are our shortcomings…that in the end our insecurities become all we can see.

Here are a few tips to help overcome and deal with a confidence crisis:

  1. Get out of your head

Once we focus on our perceived shortcomings, we tend to spiral downwards. Remind yourself that your thinking is probably distorted and not entirely realistic. We tend to be our own worst critics. Instead, remind yourself that thoughts aren’t facts and don’t allow yourself to dwell on negative thoughts about yourself. If you catch yourself being self focused, make an effort to distract yourself.

2. Have clear goals

Know what you are good at and know where you are headed in life. Having that commitment to ourselves and our goals can help us to stay strong when our foundations get shaken. Regularly remind yourself of all that you are proud of and why you think you are a lovely person – whether it’s the way you make a cake, drive a car, your sense of humour or your kindness…never stop letting yourself know why you are special and why you deserve love and to be cherished.

3. Don’t compare

It’s so tempting to compare ourselves to others and we all do it but it is probably one of the most destructive things we can do. We very rarely come out ‘on top’ when we do that. Accept that we are all different and we all have different priorities. Love your own priorities even they seem different to other people’s. Embrace your differences rather than seeing them as inferior.

4.Evaluate your triggers

Figure out what is causing your confidence crisis and decide whether something can be done about it. Is it a specific relationship causing your confidence crisis? Is it a job, a situation? You will usually have three options – change, accept or let go. If you can change it then get stuck in – have that conversation, don;t let things get out of hand. The less assertive we are, the worse the situation will become. Often, we turn a blind eye and hope that the situation will resolve itself but it rarely does. It will often take an active and assertive intervention. If you feel unwilling or unable to make changes then you need to learn to accept the way it makes you feel or learn to let it go – whichever is applicable.

Face your triggers head on, part of approaching the problem will lead to an increase in confidence. When we do something actively to sort our troubles out, we often feel empowered. Believe in yourself.

5. Trust your instincts

All too often we lack the self belief and self doubt gets the better of us. When in the throes of a confidence crisis we may find it even harder to approach the problem and fix it. A confidence crisis never lasts thankfully, and you will get back up again and feel stronger.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself, don’t criticise yourself and never allow someone else to make you feel inferior.No one is perfect and if some one else is somehow leading to your confidence crisis, make sure you keep perspective. You are wonderfully and unique and don’t let anyone else ever lead you to believe otherwise!

Mandy X

 

 

How to attract a healthy relationship

 

happy healthy relationship

How to attract a healthy relationship

I have had awful relationships in the past. There seems to be a slightly dysfunctional part to me that assists in focusing my ‘relationship radar’ in the wrong direction. I have had relationships with people that have been controlling and abusive – emotionally and mentally. My own needs and wants have been completely unimportant in my pursuit of love and acceptance – and that was my first big mistake.

I have always had to work at my self worth and there have been many times in the past when I have felt grateful for any small amount of affection and love. The reason for this is that I haven’t loved myself enough. I have never felt worthy of love and have felt inherently unloveable.

My messages to myself were that I was lucky to have attention from someone else and that they were doing me a huge favour. Entering a relationship with this type of inner dialogue was bound to lead to an unequal dynamic where I tried too hard and ended up with a complacent partner.

Once I started seeing myself as a valuable person who would be an asset in someone one else’s life I began to feel that I deserved love and attention. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and changing my behaviour in order to attract more healthy relationships. Here is some advice from my own experiences:

  1. See yourself as a ‘prize’. Ensure that you think highly of yourself…always – wear your invisible crown at all times.
  2. Don’t allow a pattern of neglectful behaviour from your partner. Everyone slips up now and then but if there is a lack of respect that continues – you need to nip it in the bud.
  3. Be assertive and ask for what you want. Part of honouring who you are consists of asking for what you need. Don’t expect the other person to automatically know – tell them.
  4. Trust your gut instincts. Sometimes we so desperately want love and begin ignoring the warning signs; Keep your wits about you and don’t ignore warning signs. Your inner wisdom will always try to tell you – tune in to it.
  5. See yourself as an equal in the relationship.
  6. Don’t expect your partner to meet all of your needs – make sure you have a varied and interesting life away from your partner.
  7. Keep your friendships going – they can sometimes last longer than romantic relationships do. Never neglect your friendships.

The more you respect and love yourself, the healthier your relationships will be. Focus on all that is good about you, remind yourself regularly of your strengths. There is someone out there for you who will not expect you to change and will adore you, warts and all.

Mandy X

 

Stop seeing yourself as a victim

victim

 

Stop seeing yourself as a victim

If you want to feel empowered and back in control of your life, it’s a good idea to shift how you see yourself. Do you feel that life ‘happens’ to you and that you have no control over your circumstances? It might be time to re-assess your perception of yourself, your thoughts and your situation.

When we see ourselves as being at the mercy of circumstance, we effectively give up on ourselves and give away our power. Of course, there are circumstances over which we have no control but we can still choose how we think and react to situations.

I feel frustrated when I hear clients resigning themselves to a life of misery because of “what other people have done” to them. They shrug their shoulders and seem to revel in the ‘poor me’ victim role. We can all feel like victims at times and I am all for some self pity – we should be kind and compassionate to ourselves but there should be a time limit to this self defeatist behaviour.

When we take responsibility for where we are in life, we start to feel like goals and dreams are once again possible.

How to stop being a victim

Take repsonsibility for your life. Your past decisions have led you to where you currently in your life. You can make new decisions to change the future path you travel along – you have that choice.

Make decisions and live with the consequences – your decisions, your responsibility.

Cultivate self reliance. The more you trust yourself to deal with life’s challenges the more resilient you will be when the challenges present themselves. Some one who sees themself as a victim believes that others have the control and that their life can only improve when others change – what a disempowering way to live! I wouldn’t want my happiness to depend on the behaviour of other!

Accept that life sucks at times and there are things that happen that are beyond our control. Instead of giving up though, we can keep fighting and believe that we will get through. It’s called self-determinism.

Stop blaming others for where your life is.

The more you blame others, the more you reinforce to yourself that you are weak and powerless.

Ask yourself what steps, no matter how small, you can take to change your life. Start small bt setting yourself little challenges to achieve. This will build confidence.

You are never as helpless as you think. The difference between someone who ends up acting and living like a victim and someone who doesn’t is that the non-victim has self belief. They also never give up hope and believe that they can control some parts of their life – enough to move things around and move forward.

Mandy X

 

Protect your self belief

 

self belief

Protect your self belief

  • No negative self talk
  • Remember no one is perfect
  • Don’t put others on a pedestal, no one is better than you
  • Your opinions and ideas count – express them
  • Be assertive, not passive or aggressive. Being assertive means honouring yourself
  • Never put yourself down especially in front of others
  • Maintain clear boundaries and don’t let anyone treat you with disrespect
  • Everyone deserves a second chance but after two wrongs – they’re out.
  • Play to your strengths and don’t be shy to talk about what you’re good at. Self confidence doesn’t mean you think you are better than others, it just means you are proud of yourself
  • Limit time with toxic people. Find time for those that inspire you

Mandy X

 

Self esteem requires patience

 

self esteem and patience

Self esteem requires patience

We need both time and patience with ourselves to develop high self esteem. If we push ourselves too quickly we may find we end up going backwards instead of forwards. If we don’t allow ourselves room to grow we could end up stagnating rather than renewing and growing into our full potential. When we use time and patience effectively in our lives, we let the passage of time work for us, not against us.

Patience involves making changes at our own pace.Our rates of growth and change vary and we need to learn to grow within a time frame that fits our needs and prsonalities.

To learn patience, it is a good idea to use journals and other similar methods of recording our lives to assess our growth after a period of time, not only on a daily basis. Growth is best seen when reviewed after a few months, six months or even a year.

Patience allows us to heal as part of our growth. Healing involves our physical health as well as our emotional well being. Healing is threefold: mind, body and spirit. If we aren’t feeling emotionally well, our bodies will suffer. If our bodies are out of shape , our emotional outlook may be negatively affected. When we look after ourselves and learn to heal our bodies and minds, we’re in a much better position to ease some of the self defeating characteristics that have affected our levels of self esteem.

How to use healing

To heal effectively we must see ourselves as good people. We must fundamentally like ourselves. The best way to do this is to take time each day for one or two weeks to list at least 5 qualities that we like about ourselves, without repeating a quality from one day to the next. With this exercise, we’re forced to look deep inside ourselves as we think of 5 different qualities each day.

Some of us may need to take extra care of our appearance. This can include better grooming, paying more attention to our clothing or to our exercise regime and diet. We can only do it for ourselves – no one else can do it for us!

Another aid to effective healing is to use meditation instead of medication (where possible).Meditation involves quiet time when we can tune in to our inner wisdom and spiritual forces outside ourselves for guidance. It involves quieting the stresses and anxieties within us so we can let peace and serenity in. When we feel relaxed inside, we’re less likely to seek escape like alcohol and other drugs or compulsive addictive behaviours.

Take an honest look at your negative unhelpful habits and look out for dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. Learn new coping skills to replace these bad habits and take action toward positive change and healing.

Look at yourself in new more positive ways and give yourself time to be human and make mistakes. as long as you are working towards improving on a daily basis, you’re on the right track – cut yourself some slack.
Mandy X

 

7 Ways to improve your self esteem

 

improve self esteem

7 Ways to improve your self esteem

There are three parts to your self concept. Your self ideal – how you would like to be, your self-image, how you actually see yourself, think about yourself as you go about your activities and  your self esteem – how you feel about yourself. This is the emotional part of your self esteem. It is the key to happiness and personal effectiveness.

Your level of self esteem is determined by two factors: the first is how valuable and worthwhile you feel as a person (how much you like and accept yourself) and the second factor is your feeling of self-efficacy. This is how competent and able you feel you are in whatever you do. These two parts reinforce each other – when you feel good about yourself you perform better.

How you feel about yourself is largely determined by how you talk about yourself so it pays to talk to yourself in a positive manner. See yourself as competent and capable and as a likeable person. I even tell clients to repeat loudly “I love myself, I am wonderful”. They laugh and it feels awkward at first but it does work! Liking yourself is healthy.

Everything you believe about yourself today is learned – it is a perception, it isn’t fact. We come into the world without a self concept and we learn about ourselves by how others treat us and by life experiences.

The biggest hurdle in life to us all is fear. Fear robs us of happiness and opportunity. We try to stay safe in our comfort zone. The more you like yourself, the more likely you are to take actions that propel you out of your comfort zone.

  1. Visualise

Get in the habit of visualising positive outcomes, see it and feel it in your mind’s eye. Repeat these visualisations regularly. Immerse yourself in it, think about it often. Create a visualisation board – put together images of how you want your life to be and look at the images regularly.

2. Affirmations

Programme yourself by regularly repeating positive affirming statements such as “Everything is unfolding as it should.” or “I am safe and loved”. Write them on post-it notes and leave them around your home so that you ‘programme’ yourself regularly.

3. Verbalisation

Say the affirmations out loud. Hear the positive words. “I can do it”. Also, when you insist to others that you can or will do something it has a powerful impact on your thinking and behaviour.

4. Act the part

Walk, talk and act exactly as you would if you were already the person you’d want to be – more confident or more self assured. How would you sit and stand? Think about a celebrity or family member you admire and respect and copy their behaviour if it helps.

5. Feed your mind

Read books and magazines consistent with the direction you want to go in.

6. Associate with positive people

Seeking out inspiring people will help you to make the most of yourself and see things in a positive manner.  A very uplifting experience.

7. Teach others

You become what you teach. Forget what you were in the past, discard past labels, work towards living and being the person you want to be.

You will become what you think about most of the time.

Mandy X

Why self improvement is essential

 

self improvement

Why self improvement is essential

I feel really good when I have done something that improves how  I see myself. Whether that is something I have actively engaged in like doing exercise or whether it is learning from a past behaviour. Self improvement takes many forms and here is why I believe self improvement is essential for our mental and emotional well being:

Improves self esteem and confidence

When we look back and see how we have conquered a fear or improved a skill, it can feel very satisfying and give our confidence a boost. Self improvement doesn’t have to consist of a massive leap, it can also be tiny increments in the right direction.

Adds a sense of purpose

Inbetween unloading and restacking the dishwasher and visiting the grocery store for the umpteenth time, life can seem unfulfilling when it is filled with day to day repetitive chores. It is at these times that I console myself with the goals I have in place that over-arch the menial daily tasks. Currently I am completing a University course and that helps me to feel I am making progress even if it is slow and not immediately redeemable. Goals are good and promote self improvement and keep you sane when life seems stagnant.

Raises endorphins

The thrill of accomplishment releases feel-good hormones known as endorphins. Self improvement is one way to achieve a natural high – whether it’s through positive affirmations or through an exercise programme. Happiness comes from progress, no matter how small.

Promotes contentment

As long as you don’t become fanatical about self improvement and then beat yourself up when you don’t meet certain expected achievements, self improvement can lead to a feeling of contentment. A sense that your life isn’t being wasted and that you are using your time doing something that is personally important to you. Inactivity and stagnation is more likely to lead to depression.

Keeps us engaged in life

The urge to improve oneself, no matter what it is, leads us to feeling alive and connected with the world around us. Withdrawal and disconnection can often lead to passivity and self neglect.

What do you want to improve in yourself? Learn a new language, give up a bad habit or re-assess a life choice…whatever it is, write it down and find ways to try make it a reality. It really is one of the best ways to feel pleased with yourself.

Mandy X