Sex should bring pleasure, and when it doesn’t, we often get frustrated. It’s extremely important to talk to your partner about any sex issue – so you both will know what to change or modify. In the end, it’s your closest person – you should trust and respect each other, not hide anything.
It may seem awkward, and the first minutes of the conversation won’t come easy, but be sure: it will transform your relationship for the better. You and your partner will know for sure what works for the other person and how to give them immense pleasure. And who knows – maybe if you have the same preferences, you’ll even shop for sex dolls together.
And to make the talk less uncomfortable, take a look at these few tips.
Choose the Right Time and Place
It’s never a good idea to talk about sex just after sex. Pick a more neutral time and spot, preferably not your bed, and make sure other people can’t hear you. Don’t surprise your partner with an intimate conversation: don’t do it when they enter the room, when they’re hungry or tired or before going to sleep. And talking about sex before sex can make both of you a little uptight – so avoid this as well.
Make sure your partner is okay with such a talk – give them a hands-up about the topic. If the time is not right or your partner needs some time to prepare mentally, you can always decide on a date together – and, for example, go out for coffee or drinks. Pick the location where both of you will feel comfortable and relaxed.
Start Slowly
Have a “soft start” – you can begin talking from the perspective of pleasure and affection. Never blame your partner – make sure they understand you want to make your intimate relations more enjoyable for both of you.
If you don’t know how to start the conversation, try watching a movie on the topic together. If you want to talk about a kink, find a movie that features it and get a sense, how your partner feels about it. Ask questions like, “does it seem hot to you?” “Would you like to try something like that?” Pornography may be a good start: to make it less awkward, you can try porn parodies at first.
Also, make sure not to overload the conversation with topics: preferably, choose only one or two that overlap. Don’t try to sort out complicated feelings or issues all in one go.
Don’t Criticize
Suggest, don’t complain. Make sure your partner feels okay with the talk, create a supportive atmosphere. Blaming anyone rarely leads to positive results. Focus on your feelings and emotions. And don’t put yourself in a higher position – make sure you talk like equals. If you’re feeling nervous – tell them about it. Honesty will be refreshing for your partner and it can help them understand where the topic comes from.
Be tactful, and don’t forget to compliment the positive aspects of your sex life. The so-called I-statements can help you emphasize your experience without making your partner feel like you’re blaming them. It can be, for example, “I like it when… Maybe we can do that more?” or “I noticed that… Can we talk about how we can change it?
Be Clear
Your partner won’t probably understand you if you don’t express your thoughts or fantasies clearly. It’s not like they can read your mind. And don’t dance around a topic – it can make some people nervous or confused.
Communicating your needs can increase the chances of you getting it. It’s important to feel comfortable and satisfied with your sex life, so don’t be afraid to say what you like and what you don’t. There are many intimate topics, each of them is equally important – make sure that you value your desires and thoughts.
Differences are absolutely normal – this is why you should communicate. However, make sure that both of you respect each other – it’s a key to understanding.
Listen and Ask Questions
Make sure you know what your partner thinks or wants. Maybe they’re too shy to express their feelings and desires – ask them. “What mood or music turns you on?” “How often would you like to have sex?” “What time of the day do you feel most sexual?” Questions like these will help you understand your partner better.
And remember to listen to them. Try to be curious and present – if you don’t understand something, ask your partner to explain it or tell you more about it. Try to put yourself in their shoes and make sure to accept whatever they’re saying. It doesn’t mean that you have to do everything you’re asked – it simply means that you look at the situation from the other perspective as well.
To Sum Up
Talking about sex issues can be embarrassing, but this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel comfortable in bed. Expressing your thoughts and desires clearly is key to getting what you want and building a closer relationship. Make sure your partner understands you, don’t blame them, and choose the correct time and location – and your intimate talk won’t be as awkward as you can imagine.
Photo by Womanizer WOW Tech on Unsplash
Author: Mandy Kloppers
Mandy is a qualified therapist who treats depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, trauma, and many other types of mental health issues. She provides online therapy around the world for those needing support and also provides relationship counselling.
