How do you get your ex back when the relationship seems over? Nothing hurts quite as much as being rejected. When a relationship fails to work out, it can feel like a bereavement. All your dreams about the future have to be put on hold. It can be one of the hardest emotional experiences to get through.
So, is there a way to get your ex back? Is it even a good idea if things weren’t working? Here are a few things to consider…
What were the reasons for the split? Was it a fundamental reason such as marriage or children? Differences in this regard are more difficult to circumvent. Was it due to a lack of love and affection? Again, there are certain issues that can be overcome but take more effort and commitment.
There are many times when a relationship can be reinstated. Especially when both partners have a tendency to go into child-mode with each other. Child-mode involves behaviour such as: ignoring each other, tit-for-tat actions, sulking and other immature, non productive behaviour.This counter-productive can be changed with the right guidance.
The first thing to do when you want your ex back is to not act needy. Being needy is off-putting and automatically sends out a message that you are the underdog. Instead, work from a place of power.
Remind yourself of your strengths and talk to yourself in a positive manner. Say things to yourself like: I am great company. I am funny, intelligent and fun to be around. It is important to psych yourself up – your body language will follow this positive inner talk.
Give yourself a little time to take the ’emotional edge’ off. When we are too emotional about something, we can act in a crazy and uncontrolled manner. Take a few days out, even if your mind is obsessed with thoughts of your ex. Contacting your ex too soon could do more harm than good. Take some time to let your rational side emerge. You will be in a much better place and any contact with your ex will have a better chance of succeeding.
Some websites suggest that you should have no contact if you want to get your ex back. This only works in some instances. If your ex feels unloved and neglected and that is part of the reason you split up, the worst thing you can do is to go quiet for a month or two. Getting your ex back involves a healthy amount of emotional intelligence. You need to be able to read the situation and decide whether too much contact will be problematic.
When in doubt, keep in contact but make no demands. Don’t be pushy or bossy. In order to have the best chance to get your ex back, it is important for them to know that you are in a positive frame of mind when it comes to rekindling the relationship.
Be fun and restore the good things that you shared. Try not to be too serious initially. Your ultimate goal should be to help your ex remember what was good about the two of you. Try not to revert to type if, at first, they reject your attempts.
Giving your ex a little time on their own does help too – give them a chance to miss you. If you bombard them with messages, you will be an annoyance and there will no opportunities for the good feelings to emerge.
Don’t over do, take it one day at a time and keep calm. Sometimes situations just cannot be controlled. Accept what you are able to influence and let go of everything else.
Mandy X
Summary
Don’t be needy
Take some time out to gain perspective
Work on yourself – positive self talk
Make sure you want to get your ex back for the right reasons – love not fear of being alone
Author: Mandy Kloppers
Mandy is a qualified therapist who treats depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, trauma, and many other types of mental health issues. She provides online therapy around the world for those needing support and also provides relationship counselling.
