Loving someone toxic is a situation that many of us find ourselves in at some stage in our lives. At the beginning of a relationship, both people are on best behaviour and feelings can develop really quickly. By the time the warning bells start ringing, we are usually quite emotionally attached and start making excuses for the other person’s bad behaviour. The heady first few months of a realtionship can be intoxicating in a good way – we can’t get enough of the other person and want to spend all our time with them. We just can’t seem to get enough of them and they can do no wrong.
But after about 3 months, little cracks will begin to appear. Perhaps they are moody or they start displaying jealous or possessive behaviour. It could be that they start showing signs of dishonesty and begin abusing your trust, either emotionally or financially. Despite the bad behaviour, it can be difficult to walk away.
So what can you do when you still madly love someone who you know isn’t good for you?
People who are loving someone toxic usually suffer from low self esteem. They doubt themselves and believe that they don’t really deserve better. They mistakenly believe that this might be (the toxic relationship) as good as it gets. Limiting thinking is often the culprit for someone staying in a bad situation. Tell yourself that you deserve better. Everyone deserves love, care and respect. If you don’t feel cherished, you need to ask yourself why.
Is it because your relationship is just going through a temporary tricky patch or is this something more? Is it a character flaw in your partner? A one-off mistake happens to everyone but when there is a consistent pattern of toxic behaviour that continues relentlessly, this is when you really need to re-assess. Everyone can make a mistake or say the wrong thing but if you feel constantly controlled or criticised, acknowledge that this is something that isn’t going to disappear.
Take a non-emotional look at your relationship. What are you getting out of the relationship? Are there more happy than sad days? If there are more sad days, ask yourself why you are hanging in there. Abusers rarely change, especially if they never take responsibility for their own behaviour. Abusers often blame others for their moods, anger and negative toxic behaviour. Somehow it is never their fault.
Never allow fear of the unknown stop you from making positive changes in your life. You will end up with far more regrets if you stay in a toxic relationship than if you leave and deal with the initial discomfort of leaving. Be brave, know that you are stronger than you realise and put yourself first. Cherish yourself and don’t accept toxic love.
Mandy X
Author: Mandy Kloppers
Mandy is a qualified therapist who treats depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, trauma, and many other types of mental health issues. She provides online therapy around the world for those needing support and also provides relationship counselling.
