Some people seem to do so much better in relationships than others. Why is this so? What do they do differently that bags them the gorgeous lovely people?
There are a few reasons why some are more successful in love than others:
1) Our childhoods impact upon our adult lives tremendously. This influence extends to our love choices too. When we have happy stable upbringings where our emotional needs are met, we expect love and the healthy pattern of ‘give-and-take’ in relationships. When we grow up with our emotional needs being met intermittently, we expect more turmoil and emotional upset in our close relationships as this is what we have known whilst growing up.
Of course there are exceptions to the rule but this outcome has been shown in many research trials. (see more on John Bowlby’s Attachment theory)
This doesn’t mean you can’t have successful adult relationships but it pays to be aware of earlier experiences and how this may impact upon intimacy and bonding later in life.
2) Age and previous experiences can be a determining factor. I have found that younger people tend to have less emotional baggage and are therefore more open about their feelings. They are more likely to make themselves vulnerable and express their true feelings. After a few unsuccessful relationships we tend to build up defences and close ourselves off from others in an effort to prevent further emotional hurt. This can work against us though as it makes it more difficult for others to be let in and loneliness can become a self perpetuating state of play.
3) Positive expectancy can greatly affect outcomes as well. If we have a positive outlook on ourselves and on love then we tend to do better than our more pessimistic counterparts. Expect good things and expect to be well treated and valued and this is more likely to be your reality. Look for what you do want rather than focusing on what you don’t want.
4) Everyone’s level of expectation differs in relationships. Some of us are realistic and some of us have our head in the clouds completely. If we expect our partners to be super human and provide for our every emotional need we are probably going to end up alone forever as no one will fit the bill. It pays to be reasonable and realise how much a partner can give us in a relationship. I meet clients with unrealistic expectations. They expect their partners to complete them. This thinking is erroneous and counselling/therapy helps to replace this thinking with a healthier, more ‘relationship-friendly’ version.
5) Finally – it’s the old cliche but you really do need to love yourself first. This ties in with point 4 – if your expectation is that your partner can make you feel more confident or richer or more popular, you are in a precarious position. One where you need your partner to do your bidding..ultimately though – you cannot control anyone else but yourself.
Love yourself and be independent. See a partner in your life as a sweet bonus. You make yourself vulnerable by looking at a relationship as a way to rescue yourself…it’s so much better to be in a relationship because you want to be there rather than feeling you need to be there. Take neediness out of the equation and your behaviour comes from a healthier more stable place.
Anyone can be lucky in love. Examine your attitude, love yourself and be open, friendly and approachable. There is someone out there for you and right now they are probably wondering how to find you too.