The end of a relationship can be one of the hardest things to go through. In a way, it is like a bereavement-a loss that entails readjusting our ideas about the future. It is so easy to be plagued by fearful thoughts that we will be alone forever or that no one else will ever love us.
Just because a relationship is ended it doesn’t mean that something better isn’t around the corner. The void that now exists has been created for something new to fill it. I am amazed at how many people feel shame and guilt when a relationship ends. It is important to examine the beliefs around being in a substandard relationship. I think it is better to be single than to be in a relationship that isn’t working.
Remind yourself of what wasn’t working
Something that I find works really well is to buy a notebook and make notes in it about why the relationship was not working for you. It is so easy to romanticise a relationship that has ended and remember the good things instead of the bad. Writing down the reasons why you were unhappy is a good way to reinforce why you are no longer in that relationship.
You have free choice and possibilities again
A sane way of looking at a relationship that has failed is to tell yourself that you now have the opportunity to meet someone who is suited to you. You may long for your ex-partner but if they do not want to continue the relationship, it is important to accept that they are not the right one for you. When I was younger and a relationship did not work out, I would immediately blame myself. I’m not pretty enough or attentive enough etc. The truth is that it has less to do with each individual and much more to do with the dynamic or interaction between two people. Both partners can be wonderful people but they just do not get on as a couple.
Be careful never to personalise a failed relationship. It can happen to the best of us.
Be philosophical – the universe has more important plans for you
Allowing fear to keep you in a relationship is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. A relationship that does not bring out the best in you will suffocate your potential and lead you to live a life below what you are really capable of. See the transition as a life lesson. Use the time alone to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. When I have been single I have found that I learn the most about myself.
Most importantly, remember that no matter how bad you feel right now it will pass. The only way is up.
Mandy X
Photo by robertvitulano
Author: Mandy Kloppers
Mandy is a qualified therapist who treats depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, trauma, and many other types of mental health issues. She provides online therapy around the world for those needing support and also provides relationship counselling.
