The “no contact” rule after breakups

The “no contact” rule is talked about on most websites dealing with break ups and relationship splits. It is stated that cutting all contact from your ex partner is the best way forward, irrespective of whether you want to reconcile or not. These websites give two main reasons for the “no contact” rule. They say that it helps you to heal and move on and it gives your ex partner time to miss you.

Now, the no-contact rule does have its virtues but I wish to expand on this very rigid post-break up rule.

No contact does help a person to move on quicker from a relationship split but it isn’t necessarily the best move if you miss your ex and wish to reconcile. My partner and I were apart for nealry 5 months and I didn’t stick to this rule. I only got in touch sparingly but I never believed that the no contact rule was the right one for me.

The best way to reconcile with an ex partner

If you want to get you ex back, it is generally best to keep a low profile for a bit. But this doesn’t necessarily mean “no contact” at all. It might just be that your ex is thinking of reconciliation and decides not to get back in touch because they haven’t heard from you and think you are over them.

I maintained no contact for 2 weeks at the most. Inbetween that I would send the odd funny joke or a casual “how are you?” text. Nothing too heavy.

The bottom line with ex partners is this, if they love you and want you back, they will probably make the effort whether you engage in the no-contact rule or whether you maintain a casual connection.

Maintaining too much communication and being needy however, is never a good idea as it ‘devalues’ your position. Maintaining a casual connection is fine though, contrary to what most people say. Come over confident and happy and show the person what they are missing. DOn’t ask heavy questions or talk about getting back together if you were not responsible for the break up.

Reconciliations happen all the time. Trust your own decisions and go with your instincts.

Mandy X

Author: Mandy Kloppers

Mandy is a qualified therapist who treats depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, trauma, and many other types of mental health issues. She provides online therapy around the world for those needing support and also provides relationship counselling.