People pleasing
People pleasing often comes from low self esteem. We don’t like ourselves enough and this increases our need for external validation. We end up running ourselves ragged in an attempt to feel better about ourselves. Not very clever is it? You will never be able to please everyone all the time. Do something helpful for others because you want to help them out, not for the reciprocated acceptance. This is a crazy way to feel good about yourseld. It is also very precarious because feeling good about yourself is reliant upon others. This is never a good idea. Stop people pleasing. You will find people still like you. In fact, you will probably have far more respect from others when you start pleasing yourself a little more. Don’t become a selfish git but stop people pleasing wherever you go.
Comparing
Oh what a waste of time. Comparing yourself is never an accurate process. You compare yourself with others and you can’t possibly know everything about others. You compare your bad stuff with all their good stuff – not exactly accurate and all this comparison achieves is to allow you to feel worse about yourself. Stop comparing – no one has a perfect life even if they try to portray this. Peopl who try so hard to present a perfect facade often have their own issues. They usually need approval from others and aren’t happy with themselves. if you like who you are you won’t feel the need to act in front of others. When you put on a fake front for others, you essentially send yourself a message that the real you isn’t good enought to present to others. This is very likely to lead to anxiety, depression and feeling lost in life. Be real.
Not saying “No” enough
I struggle to assertive at times even though I know how crucial it is. When I am assertive, I am proud of myself and my keep my life simpler. When I am not assertive, I end up with people overstaying their welcome, I end up spending time with people I probably shouldn’t and I end up resenting myself for not being more vocal.
I have put in place many behavioural experiements – this is where I challenge a belief or a thought. For example, I recently had to tell a client that I was charging more for a session. I was dreading it and thought they might cancel and refuse to see me. So I pushed myself to tell them about the increased charge and they were absolutely fine about it.
In fact it made them respect me more and he said he wouldn’t go anywhere else even if he had to pay more.
Being assertive is great for self esteem and it also leads you to feel more in control of your life. Be gutsy and ask for what you want! If you don’t ask you definitely won’t get.
Not being true to yourself
We can all be swayed by the opinions of others. It’s not a problem to listen to other people’s opinions but ultimately be clear on what you want from your life. SMART goals are a good way to keep your life on track (SMART = Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time bound).
Being self aware is one of the key factors in being true to yourself. What do you enjoy doing? Where do you see yourself in 2-5 years? What did you enjoy doing as a child – follow your instincts and your natural inclinations. Often, parents, teachers and other authoritative figures pull us away from our true talents and interests. It’s up to you to get back to your essential self.
Not living according to your values
What’s important to you? Do you even know? What comes first – money, love or self actualisation? When we have a good idea of what our valules are we are more inclined to live our lives in accordance with them.
Common values: honesty, kindness, family, friends, freedom, adventure, respect, romance, pleasure, independence,
Whn you live in accordance with your values you will find that you are a happier person. Values gel with the real person inside us. Keep it simple…
Caring too much about what others think
WHO CARES what others think? Who says theur opinion is more important than yours? When we were caveman running around the savannah we desperately need to be part of a tribe. Being ostracized could mean the end of your survival. Nowadays, having everyone accept your decisions and behaviour isn’t as vital for our physical survival. Sure, it could take its toll on un emotionally to be rejected by others but consider the cost of this. If you live your life in order to keep others happy and stop yourself from doing things in case you are rejected, you will end up living a limited life. How sad.
Will it really matter 50 years from now? I doubt it very much – we are all egotistical and self absorbed anyhow. Stop caring about what others think. Of course, those closest to you will have opinions and it’s a good diea to keep an open mind but ultimately, live your life for you.
Overcomplicating things
We overcomplicate our lives. We overthink and worry far too much. I have never met any client who has said they never worry. The problem is that our thoughts are often our enemies and self criticism exhausts us. Self criticism leads to the body going into ‘threat mode’. Adrenalin is released and the body is on high alert. The body can’t keep this state up for too long yet we often spend too much time feeling anxious and on edge due to our crazy thoughts. The “what if” thoughts that enter our minds because we all find it hard to tolerate uncertainty.
How to find direction and feel less exhausted by life:
Make uncertainty your friend – tell yourself you can handle whatever comes your way
Learnt to accept what you cannot change
Be assertive
Care less about what others think – be a bit mad and silly
Try mindfulness
Work on liking yourself more
Cut out the constant people pleasing
Create short term and long term goals and use this framework to help you make decisions about your future
Mandy X
Photo by Abbie Bernet on Unsplash
Author: Mandy Kloppers
Mandy is a qualified therapist who treats depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, trauma, and many other types of mental health issues. She provides online therapy around the world for those needing support and also provides relationship counselling.
