Blog on emotional well being and personal development

The sex god or the safe one?

The sex god or the safe one?

For some reason, I have had many female clients (and I include myself in this) who have had a hard time deciding who to start a relationship with. Should they choose the safe reliable guy or go for the bad boy who is great in bed and makes them feel alive? Of course, this is a very personal choice but it is one that seems to present itself over and over again, to women of all ages all over the world.

Apparently, we choose the man who is sexual and more aggressive and ‘manly’ when we are ovulating. When we aren’t ovulating we are more drawn to softer, kinder men.

There could be a link between a woman’s relationship with her father and her choice in men. If, for whatever reason, a woman felt she could never quite get the approval of her father (perhaps he was unnecessarily critical, aloof, or emotionally unavailable), she may choose a man who gives her the run-around. According to Imago theory, we choose someone simialr to our fathers in an attempt to complete the cycle of approval. If we can get the unreliable, difficult-to-commit man to love us, we finally prove to ourselves that we are worthy.

This dichotomy is an interesting one. Women have always sought safety but they want more nowadays. They want to feel excited and not settled into a humdrum existence. What I have found is that the sex god is great for a while but the lust and/or infatuation wears off eventually (the honeymoon period lasts approximately 18 months) and then you will pretty much have a similar set up to what you would’ve had if you had chosen the safe reliable guy. The one difference though, is that you will be stuck with a guy who might be selfish, self absorbed and far less caring than the safe guy.

Some female clients have chosen corporate guys who earn well but again, they have ended up pampered materially but very lonely as their corporate men live it up after work, have affairs at work and generally pay them very little attention. This is a huge generalisation but I have found that corporate men tend to lack emotional intelligence. The more successful they are, the more they lack empathy and the care required to connect with their longterm female partners.

I have witnessed marriages dissolve where lonely housewives have divorced their wealthy corporate husbands and gone off with the gardener, personal trainer or loft installer. Who would’ve thought that men who are good with their hands would be so much better at empathy, kindness and connecting with others?

So when it comes to making that all important choice about who to settle down with, go for the one whom you feel you can be yourself with and who supports your growth. The one who sees the world the same way you do, shares laughs with you and can communicate well. Someone who has empathy and shows you kindness…that’s worth a lot.

Mandy X