You see yourself as ‘bad’ and deserving of punishment, so you must be ‘good’ to get the love you want. You end up attracting abusive partners, with the wish to be good enough for them, so you get the love and approval you’re looking for.
Trauma bonding as an adult
In essence, you are still longing for your abusive father or mother to give you the lost love you wanted, yet, you bury this fantasy, and replicate this pattern by attracting abusive partners, so you can get them to love you.
Often, when feeling not good enough, the desire for love can be the perfect bait that an abusive narcissist hooks into. When you’re meeting all their needs, you feel loved and good enough, which allows the abuse to be justified. When you blame yourself or think something is fundamentally wrong with you, you believe the abuser and allow yourself to be put down, because it is what you’ve already internalized about yourself. You repeat the pattern of putting up with abuse because it’s the internal bond that keeps you attached to the parental abuser, so you do not feel abandoned or not good enough.
When you justify the abuse or minimize it and blame yourself for it, you become unaware that you are being abused. Just as the child, you deny the abuse is happening in order to feel loved and wanted.
Acknowledging the abuse creates the fear of abandonment from the lost love object and awakens the original pain (from childhood), that becomes further defended against with denial and self-blame.
Feelings of not being good enough resurface, causing you to reenact the same attachment pattern with the abusive parent. So, you cannot let go of the abuser and must be good to get them back.
So, the victim of abuse will go back to the abuser and justify it. This is the actual truth about why it is so hard to cut the ties and let go. It’s a deep wound, a trauma wound that binds them together.
So, how do you detect the signs of a trauma bond?
What you say to yourself to justify the abuse:
- He/she didn’t mean to get angry, it was my fault.
- He/she puts up with me and still loves me.
- He/she had a terrible childhood, I feel sorry for him/her.
- I can help him/her to change with love and support.
- He/she deserves a fair go, he/she doesn’t mean to hurt me.
Notice how the abuser’s behavior is justified and the victim blames themself as if the abuse is their fault.
This is how the victim of trauma bonding minimise and denies the abuse in order to uphold the positive image of the perpetrator, while distorting the reality and being misguided by fantasy love, not real love.
How to stop trauma bonding:
- Always take your time to get to know someone, find out their past.
- Never jump straight in because it feels good.
- Look out for the red flags of abusive behaviour, such as feeling pressured or controlled or jealousy.
- Ensure you can be respected for your boundaries (say no).
- Make sure what you see is what you really get, no hidden truths that come out later.
- Be careful that you are not being sold a charming person to reel you in and hook you.
- Be careful when all the ex-partners are crazy, nothing is their fault, or they’re the victim.
- Be aware if you feel they’re too good to be true or make you feel amazing.
True love is not abusive, nor do you distort the way they see yourself and your partner in order to fit the fantasy of being loved.
Real love means you feel loved while expressing yourself, and you do not need to search for love to feel good about yourself. Real love is not conditional upon pleasing someone, but being true to yourself.
Real love is not romanticized love, but how you deal with the ups and downs of living in reality and seeing each other for who you really are.
In true love, you feel good about yourself and attract those who treat you well. Obtaining self-love means letting go of the ties to the abusive parental object, in order to free yourself from the attachment patterns of seeking love and approval in order to feel good enough. Truly loving yourself means you engage in self-care and protect yourself from abuse, so you can be yourself and feel loved for the real person that you are.