We all want to find love, that’s a given. The problem is, research is proving that a shift is taking place in the way we look for love as well as how we think and feel about love.
Technology has a lot to answer for with regards to why love is becoming harder to find. Online dating offers so much choice. You would think this would be a good thing, but actually it’s not. The paradox of choice is that even though we have more more potential love interests to choose from, we are experiencing higher levels of anxiety over making the right choice. Now that we have more choice, we are faced with the possibility that we are making the wrong choice. when we do make a choice we may feel that we have missed out on something better out there. believe it or not, the more choice we have, the lower our levels of happiness. There is a “sweet spot’ where the number to choose from is optimal. Some research suggests between 5-9 options. beyond that we face cognitive overload.
So what is stable ambiguity? This a phenomenon where we sit on the fence when it comes to love and dating. We would really like to find love but we also fear the consequences of finding love. This leaves us in an ‘inbetween’ situation where we don’t do anything. “How do I know I have found the right one? ” is a question commonly asked by daters.
When we are too afraid to be alone but not really willing to engage in intimacy building, we are stuck in stable ambiguity. This makes love harder to find. It’s a set of tactics that prolong the uncertainty of a relationship but also the uncertainty of the breakup.
Icing and simmering
Great stalling tactics in realtionships and dating. This involves getting enough out of a relationship without serious commitment. Undefined boundaries work well in this type of scenario and there is still ‘freedom’.
Ghosting
This is when someone does a sudden disappearing act. It’s a bit of a cowards way out but it helps a person avoid dealing with any conflict.
Perhaps all this choice and the filtered medium of online dating is making us feel less accountable for our behaviour? Are we becoming more selfish?
We want to have someone available to cozy up with when it’s snowing, but if something better comes along, we want the freedom to explore.
The above three behaviours may be a sign that empathy is declining. People are perhaps becoming yet another commodity. An object to be picked up and put down again, at will.
If we want to be truly happy and settled in a relationship, we have to risk the fear of intimacy and we have to take the time to build a connection. Rejection is something that we all fear but, even then, you can perceive rejection as threatening. Or you can see rejection as nature’s way of telling you that you need to go in another direction.
Rejection does not necessarily mean that you are defective or inadequate. Far from it. The most beautiful, most handsome, richest and most intelligent people have all faced rejection too. What do you really want? Freedom or intimacy? Make your choice and dive in!
Mandy X
Author: Mandy Kloppers
Mandy is a qualified therapist who treats depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, trauma, and many other types of mental health issues. She provides online therapy around the world for those needing support and also provides relationship counselling.
