Will I ever find love? That’s a question that millions of people ask themselves. I know I have. My love-life has been a real rollercoaster. I left the safety of a mundane relationship to find something better. Looking back there are pros and cons to both paths.
Staying with the familiar
Many people stay in relationships that are no longer working. They accept their lot in life and make the most of it. Some still find ways to get their needs met by having affairs or doing other secretive activities in order to get the best of both worlds. Safety and security can be alluring and hard to leave even with things aren’t ideal anymore.
Unsatisfactory sex life
One of the common gripes for relationships that aren’t working is that sex becomes non-existent or few and far between. If both parties are happy with that then it’s not a problem. What often happens though is one person becomes frustrated. The lack of frequent sex starts to cause problems. Some people leave, others stay and accept the status quo whilst others have affairs.
The love has gone
After many years of marriage, the love can disappear. Some couples manage to keep their relationship fresh. They work on it and grow together whilst others grow in opposite directions. if you are a good match to begin with and share similar values, you are more likely to still be best companions many years later. Sadly, many people marry because it’s what everyone else is doing and they think they should settle down. That’s a very bad reason to get married but it’s very common.
You have grown apart
Following on from the previous point, if you don’t make an effort and communicate regularly, you will grow apart. People get side-tracked by work and their relationship suffers. Make your relationship a priority if you love your partner and want it to last.
There are many reasons why people stay – another common reason is due to financial reasons. It may be a drop in lifestyle and a lower income and some people prefer to stay for the lifestyle. It can be tough adjusting to a tiny flat away from your kids.
Leaving your relationship
Some people take the brave path of leaving to find more fulfillment with someone new. This path is risky in different ways. Leaving a stable relationship to start dating can be a huge shock to the system. It can be even more of a social shock if you have been out of the dating scene for a long time. Times have changed and online dating can be brutal. It’s a number game where there are many many people. People using online dating don’t always use it for the pure reason of finding love. Some do it purely for sex, others do it for an ego boost. There are all sorts of agendas online. It pays to not be naive when you try online dating. There are success stories though and online dating allows you the opportunity to meet people you would never normally cross paths with.
Leaving a secure relationship is risky because there are no guarantees that you will find your soulmate. I believe there is more than one soul mate for us and being too rigid in your criteria will leave you lonely in the long-run.
Consider the characteristics that make you happy
Instead of only considering look or money, think about the type of person that would make you happy. Do they have a good sense of humour? Do they have empathy? Are they considerate? Narcissists abound and they are selfish people. It’s all about them. Trust your gut instincts when you are dating. People may be good at selling themselves and focusing on their actions will give you a truer picture.
I wouldn’t have been happy staying in my safe and secure relationship in the longterm but life would probably have been easier. Having said that, daring to find love has pushed me out of my comfort zone and taught me more skills than if I had stayed in the comfort of my existing relationship. I am a well-rounded person and have achieved more than I think I would have if I had stayed.
On the other hand, I have had my heart broken numerous times and have yearned for stability. I can be someone who always wants what they haven’t got. In a stable relationship, I felt I was missing out but when I was dating I missed having someone who checked in on me and could rescue me if I broke down on the highway. Guess you can’t have everything!
If you wonder whether you will ever find love, be patient. Don’t rush things with someone new and be wary if they want to rush things. If it’s going in the right direction, what’s the hurry? If you are online dating, enjoy meeting new people and be patient. I met many interesting people along the way and still keep many of these people as friends.
I am now in a stable relationship with someone I met online. We met in 2016 and have been through ups and downs. That’s a normal part of life.
The biggest stop I can give you is to like and accept yourself before you date. This way, someone in your life will be a bonus, not something you need. Being needy leads to bad choices.
You will find love. Stay optimistic and take it one day at a time.
Mandy X
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Author: Mandy Kloppers
Mandy is a qualified therapist who treats depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, trauma, and many other types of mental health issues. She provides online therapy around the world for those needing support and also provides relationship counselling.
